


i'm just a call away

by ifyouwannafindmegivemeashoutout



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Choi Youngjae-centric, Coming Out, M/M, Pining, Self-Esteem Issues, anxious!youngjae, confessing, fluff??, internalized homophobia??, jinson if you squint, other members are mostly mentioned, youngjae's brother's present
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-05-18 23:51:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 25,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14862680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifyouwannafindmegivemeashoutout/pseuds/ifyouwannafindmegivemeashoutout
Summary: ”it’s all in your head youngjae, even if that’s hard for you to believe.”the elder swallowed thickly, hoping the younger would feel some sense of comfort in his words.“you’re just as good looking as the others. i don’t see anything about you that i’d ever change. you’re perfect just the way you are and i’ll say that until you believe me. jinyoung, jackson, mark, everyone else would say the same.”youngjae slowly shook his head to answer jaebum’s statement.”not everyone.”. . . . .youngjae is struggling with past hardships and finds himself slipping into old habits. the growing crush on his leader is not helping one bit and youngjae sincerely wishes he didn't harbor any of these feelings.





	1. the path of an idol

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first time writing a story in like three years outside of school and english at that! english is my second language and honestly i can't recall writing anything longer than three pages for school. so if i make any grammatical errors please bear with me! as any hardcore aghases might notice i'm not very sure about the boys exact living situations,,, this story isn't set during any specific time either but youngjae has obviously moved in with his brother.  
> this fanfic does include some sensitive content so please proceed with caution if you're sensitive to any of the tagged topics  
> i might edit this and i'll update as often as possible, to put this into perspective i started writing april 20th and have about 5k words half of which i haven't really proof read  
> i hope lowercase isn't too bothering ??? it's a habit of mine to write like this outside of school lkhfsdkfhlk  
> i'm not sure how long this will be, i'm just going with the flow!! i hate seeing unfinished fics though so i'll make sure this doesn't become one of them  
> anyway i think that's all!! please enjoy, i'll have another note at the end <3

youngjae leaned back against the white wall and slowly sunk down until he sat on the shining wooden floor, knees dragged all the way up to his chin. with a slightly trembling hand he swept his damp bangs out of his face, sweat dripping as he sighed. 

he had come to the dance studio with yugyeom and bambam, going through moves together until they had left half an hour earlier screaming and laughing as usually as they stepped out the door. seeing them together always lifted their hyung’s mood but seeing his dongsaengs practicing so hard and nailing all their moves also pushed youngjae to try harder, even if that meant just standing a minute longer than the younger boys. he’d not give up until his legs screamed at him to stop and threatened to give way beneath him if he so dared take one more step to the music’s rhythm. he’d try to somehow appreciate the pain or think beyond it as to not fall short of the high standards in his head.

youngjae knew he owed to do at least that. he had to try his best as to not disappoint the million of fans that would watch their stages, the company that decided practically every day of his life, his parents that had raised him and he missed so much, the members who he shared his smile and laugh with and most importantly himself. he found it scary, oh so scary thinking about how many people expected him to be a perfect idol. the sad truth was that for nobody in this business being perfect was easy. in reality youngjae knew nobody was, even though watching fellow performers usually had him feel otherwise. especially one man who he had tried so hard to find a flaw on unsuccessfully.

a huff escaped him as he met the eyes of his own haggard reflection. 

of course he had been prepared when he decided to become a singer and auditioned. everyone had warned him of what he was giving up to have the life of a boy band member. he had considered uncountable times if everything was worth it to do one of the things he loved the most (if his love for singing or playing the piano was greater he had yet to decide upon) but he had always known this was what he wanted to do.

there would always come times he looked back and wondered if he could have taken another path and reached more happiness than he had in his life right now, though. when those thoughts came around he’d try to shake them off and realize just how lucky he was. he had friends good enough to call family (plus the cutest dog in the whole wide world), was a member of a group in one of the biggest k-pop companies in south korea and had tons of people that looked up at him and loved him.

there had been occasions where youngjae really doubted if someone could like him as a fan usually did. he couldn’t stop comparing himself to his other members, whether it’d be singing, dancing or visuals he always found something inferior to point out on himself. 

youngjae took a deep breath as he shuddered, if it was from finally cooling down from practice or from the unwelcome memories that had suddenly came back he didn’t know. fiddling slightly with dark strands of hair behind his right ear and looking into the mirror he admired how much thinner his arms had become. every trainee started out heavier than what they’d be as an idol and youngjae admitted he was proud of how far he’d come. in the earlier days of got7 he’d been put on a diet but had a hard time going through with it but now a limited menu was second nature. even though some of his members legs were alarmingly thin and youngjae wanted nothing more than for them all to be healthy he used to not be able to help but to sometimes envy them to some degree. youngjae had known he wasn’t fat, he just couldn’t shake off the feeling that he stood out next to the other six members of his group. time passed and he grew confidence but still he’d catch himself with an unhealthy mindset sometimes.

as a particularly bad memory came back to revisit, youngjae’s phone which had been plugged into the speakers rung and he didn’t know if he was thankful that it woke him up from his bad daydream or if he should curse at it for scaring him shitless. the ring tone echoed inside the small room and after having seen himself visibly jump from shock in the mirror he stumbled across the blank floor to answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> very short but it's a beginning !! went ahead and started out with two chapters so you have some more to read  
> the next chapter is a bit more intense so be ready !!  
> thanks for reading <3


	2. a regretful incident

_the memory had been one of him throwing up in the dorm toilet after having felt particularly insecure about his body image and fallen down a rabbit hole of hate comments._

_the time leading up to that youngjae had slowly been getting harder on himself and beating himself up for not being able to smile as brightly as he used to because his mind was occupied by unnecessary thoughts. he had been somewhat relieved though since none of the other members seemed to notice his mask._

_what had nearly sent the otter-faced boy into his second panic attack ever though, was realizing he never locked the door to the toilet to hide his little ordeal. so there he was, hunched over the toilet, a crying mess and practically inviting anyone that was passing inside._

_as luck had it someone did hear him retching inside and as they turned the doorknob youngjae’s breathing hitched in his throat, heart beating at a speed he wasn’t even sure he’d reach with one of those sport cars his brother had always dreamed of. the boy just tried to keep another whimper from escaping his throat (and failed) as he wiped vomit from the corner of his mouth with his shaking arm._

_”youngjae? what’s going on?”_

_a third of the hunched over boy relaxed when he heard the voice of his leader. youngjae knew jaebum had a soft spot for him and that he’d be safe with the older singer. but the second third of him wished it had been one of his younger members since they wouldn’t be as stubborn with any questions they had for their weak hyung. the last third of him was still panicking over the fact that he’d been caught though, and that there was no way he’d come up with a good excuse for this as his head drew a blank._

_jaebum had definitely sounded concerned and confused when he addressed the younger and crouched down next to him when he didn’t get an answer. with a hand soothingly patting his dear sunshine the leader tried to get a look of the others face. he was not surprised by the tears still forming in youngjae’s eyes as he’d heard him cry before stepping inside the small bathroom. but they- combined with the fact that his face was sickly pale and that the younger wouldn’t meet his eyes- alarmed him to some extent._

_”are you sick, youngjae? does it hurt anywhere?”_

_silence._

_”please tell me if there’s anything i can help you with, jae.”_

_youngjae found the question kind of amusing, what kind of answer he asking for? if he’d really been sick there wouldn’t be much for the other to do except wait for him to feel better. even though that wasn’t the case youngjae really didn’t know if there was anything jaebum could do for him right now._

_jaebum’s uncharacteristically (actually not when it came to talking to the group’s sunshine) soft voice combined with the nickname they both shared did manage to get the younger to take the breath he was holding though. even so he couldn’t help but start crying again as he choked out an obvious lie._

_”y-yeah, my stomach started hurting earlier. i guess i’m sick.”_

_he flinched and swallowed the urge to throw up again as it hit him just how pathetic he was, doing this to himself and then lying about it._

_jaebum didn’t say anything and just kept rubbing the younger’s back for a few seconds before lightly pinching him in the side which unfortunately only triggered youngjae more. he hoped jaebum didn’t notice his small whimper as he dearly wished there wasn’t any fat there to pinch._

_it was a habit of jaebum’s to do that whenever he noticed youngjae’s lies. the action had still surprised him though and he finally caught his hyung’s gaze. the way his leaders face was twisted in an ugly expression gave youngjae one more reason to hate himself. his dark eyebrows were furrowed and his lips drawn into a thin line. the otter boy felt another rush of disappointment at himself because of the strong urge to caress the others face that filled him so suddenly. he stopped himself though and kept silent, lowering his eyes to the dirty bathroom floor._

_both boys let the silence lay over them for a while which surprised the otter-faced one. he hadn’t thought jaebum would have let him off the hook so easily but as his breathing slowly calmed and his tears dried he realized he hadn’t been wrong. jaebum’s hand stopped moving on his back and with a low voice he started talking again._

_”did you force yourself to throw up?”_

_as youngjae froze beside him the leaders fears were confirmed. he sighed and slid his hand through his own hair, clearly distressed and youngjae frantically tried to come up with an excuse._

_”i’m sorry. i just.. i don’t like how i look compared to everyone else.”_

_those were the words youngjae managed to choke out with a shaking voice, almost exposing himself by settling on the word ”myself” instead of blaming all of his ill feelings towards just his appearance._

_it was true that his biggest insecurities still lay there but there was more on the side, namely the crush that was slowly but surely developing for the one man that was right there beside him this moment. even as an adult he still had not come to terms with his sexuality as he’d never thought or cared about it much, rarely interested in anyone- no matter their gender. now he’d decided to keep the topic unresolved because he didn’t dare admit to himself how much he really loved his leader._

_jaebum knew how bad he was with comforting words and understanding those around him- that was something about the younger he envied. he was one of the most empathetic people jaebum knew and he swore it was like if youngjae saw right through him from time to time._

_”it’s all in your head youngjae, even if that’s hard for you to believe.”_

_the elder swallowed thickly, hoping the younger would feel some sense of comfort in his words._

_“you’re just as good looking as the others. i don’t see anything about you that i’d ever change. you’re perfect just the way you are and i’ll say that until you believe me. jinyoung, jackson, mark, everyone else would say the same.”_

_youngjae slowly shook his head to answer jaebum’s statement._

_”not everyone.”_

_the elder almost looked offended at the brunette’s answer. youngjae didn’t pay that any heed and reluctantly admitted to having read the downgrading comments about himself. it made him embarrassed admitting to jaebum how stupid he was for bringing these feelings upon himself. to his surprise what slipped out from between jaebum’s lips wasn’t a bitter laugh or a whispered ”stupid”, though._

_”there will always be those who try to bring you down. we’re told to not let it get to us but at some point it will, until we learn to be proud of who we are right now. you’re not struggling alone, youngjae.”_

_the fragile boy cursed at himself as tears only started streaking his cheeks again (why was their leader so perfect? why did he have to fall for someone so far out of his league?) and he quickly returned the hug jaebum gave him there on the dirty toilet floor, as the disgusting smell of vomit stuck to their clothes._

 

youngjae almost choked on thin air when he reached for his phone and saw that the one who’d called was none other than the man that stopped him from continuing that night of self loathe as he’d planned. the tired boy unplugged his phone and finally answered, sitting down as his legs still hadn’t recovered from the intense practice.

”hello youngjae, where are you?”

he only smiled at the older’s voice, overwhelmed by how many things a simple sentence like that could make him feel as long as it came from jaebum. his words had a calming effect on youngjae (well, at least his breathing calmed, as for his heart: not so much) but it was only one of the uncountable things that had made him fall heads over heels.

”hello? anyone there?”

jaebum called him back to reality before he could start counting up everything he’d give just to hear his voice.

”oh, sorry hyung! i just finished practicing, i’m still in the dance studio.”

”ah, i see.” 

he paused for a moment, clearly hesitating which made youngjae’s heart skip a nervous beat.

”my afternoon schedules got canceled and my music writing is currently not getting anywhere so.. i was wondering if you’d care to go out for a meal in about an hour or two?”

”sure!”

an exaggerated smile plastered on the younger’s face before he remembered jaebum couldn’t even see him.

“i’d love to.”

the truth was that youngjae would rather stay home and come up with a way to bury all these negative emotions that had been boiling over recently. the slight pause the elder had made before his invitation had made it evident he was expecting the younger to come though, and youngjae didn’t have it in him to decline. thinking about what jaebum was going to bring up later made his anxiety levels rise more than the memories that had just revisited did, though.

”if you’re still in the studio i assume you’re going back to your brother’s place to shower? i’ll pick you up there?”

”sounds good. see you later then, hyung!”

”yeah, see you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this quickly took a turn, sorry if this flashback is confusing and if the pacing is off  
> i really hope i was able to portray the right atmosphere and sorry for hurting our poor sunshine  
> as always comments and feedbacks will be greatly appreciated !!  
> i'll update asap


	3. shower thoughts

after having hung up the call with his leader (the man he wouldn’t admit to liking), the brunette was determined to get a grip and snap out of his head for a while. he picked up his bag which contained a set of extra clothes and water amongst other useful things. reaching his hand into one of the smaller pockets, he took out a packaged energy bar, snapping it in half and munching on one of the halves. the remaining bite was put back with the package. youngjae didn’t like eating a lot straight after practice so he usually brought one of the nutritious bars and ate a piece in the studio just to (hopefully) get some energy back. the other piece he’d snack on once getting back home.

he put on his jacket and face mask (both black), thereafter turned off the light before leaving the jyp building behind him. the cold breeze welcomed him outside, sending a chill down his spine even though the sun was also there, shining brightly. making his way home as quickly as possible, he already wasn’t excited for how he knew his body would ache the next day.

youngjae’s brother hadn’t returned by the time he stepped inside their shared apartment. living together with his real brother was very comfortable as they obviously had much in common as family and there where little to no secrets between them, i.e. much less reasons to fight. not that youngjae was very good with secrets in the first place, he was very much an open book. 

the only thing he was really keeping hidden was the fact that he liked a boy, his own group leader at that. this was the only thing he wished nobody caught onto as he didn’t plan to come out, hopefully just forgetting his current crush and fall for a woman sooner or later. but knowing he had never fallen for anyone else as hard as for jaebum almost made him laugh out loud at that pathetic plan.

sliding his loosely tied sneakers off his feet, youngjae walked inside and felt the exhaustion rush over him once again. stuffing his mouth with the piece of energy bar he had left, he quickly scurried into his room, cursing at his body for being so weak. there he picked out an outfit for later before locking himself in the restroom.

the light white room always had this almost serene atmosphere that youngjae couldn’t quite put his finger on. for some reason it just felt like the air shifted as soon as he entered the room and his thoughts were instantly calmer.

he undressed and threw the sweaty workout clothes in the pile of dirty laundry that was still just waiting for someone to wash them and took a step into the shower. before he could drape the shower curtains behind him though, he caught a glimpse of his brother’s sleeping pills sitting in the open cabinet above their sink. 

youngjae remembered having gone through a depressive episode after having moved in together and because of his brother’s overprotective tendencies he’d worried too much about youngjae to leave his pills in their apartment when he was gone. he’d even stop buying them in case something suddenly broke in youngjae and he couldn’t be there to stop him from doing something reckless. as the oldest often had insomnia and would pop a pill before a long work day this had resulted in a sleep deprived and slightly grumpier second resident in their home for a few weeks. 

the brunette had hated himself for making his brother worry and desperately tried to get better as quickly as possible, even if he had suffered his second panic attack alone in the apartment before managing that. he had never told his brother about it, thinking it would only worry him more, besides- it had already passed so there wasn’t really any point to that anyway.

youngjae pondered over what would happen if he suddenly decided to swallow a handful of the white pills and never woke up. his members and fans would be sad, maybe even mad that he didn’t consider how it would impact them. but somewhere along the way they’d surely forget the sorrow he caused them and move on. that was a thought that scared youngjae more than dying in the first place.

it was not like got7’s sunshine had ever seriously considered ending his life though and he sincerely hoped that day would never come. he’d never forgive himself for being selfish enough to leave behind a life people would literally kill for. just thinking about death was something everyone did though, he figured and went back to washing the dried sweat that clung to his skin off his body.

choosing an outfit for dinner earlier had only taken him a minute, an oversized gray sweater and black skinny jeans now lay on his bed waiting for him to put them on as he quickly dried his hair off with a soft blue towel. youngjae felt comfortable wearing the big garment as it hid his features and was incredibly comfy. hiding in it would reduce some anxiety tonight too, he reckoned. the way the pants shaped his legs was pleasant to the otter-faced boy too, even though they felt considerably less comfortable than other pairs in his closet.

he looked in his bedroom mirror and figured he looked alright after somewhat brushing and styling his hair accordingly.

while waiting for jaebum to come pick him up youngjae studied old performances and practiced singing some of his parts until he felt an ounce of satisfaction fill him, trying to convince himself that he’d always be able to do much better next time. he also admired a few of his favorite artists as their singing always filled him with inspiration. 

after a while passed youngjae heard a knock on the apartment door so he got up to open it and greeted his leader with one of his blinding signature smiles, hurriedly putting on a random pair of sneakers. 

jaebum had apparently heard him singing because he imitated one of the younger’s parts, successfully bringing a giggle out of youngjae. before stepping outside the door and locking it behind him the otter-faced boy reached for a pair of earphones, just in case he’d need a distraction for a potentially awkward and silent car ride home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> decided to try and keep each chapter around 1000 words or more  
> i'll try to update weekly too !! i got sick recently though so haven't written anything more but atleast managed to proof read this one :'))  
> might be a bit boring compared to last chapter but i'm trying to figure out pacing,,, but i've thought out something more thrilling for a future chapter so stay tuned !!  
> hope you enjoyed nonetheless and thank you so much for reading !! any feedback is appreciated <3


	4. his favourite restaurant

the two band mates had conversed like normal on the way to the restaurant which had turned out to be one of youngjae’s favorites. it was the obvious choice to appeal to the younger and it did really warm his heart, enough that the otter-faced boy had to stop himself from any wishful thinking. jaebum really saw him as his little brother, youngjae knew that.

both of them ordered and jaebum insisted he’d bee the one to pay. youngjae accepted the offer and choose the same dish he always did, unlike any of the younger members who would have helped themselves to several menu items at the mention of someone else’s treat. 

any other day youngjae would have been really excited for his meal but today he really didn’t know how much he could stomach, probably because his appetite was easily affected by his mood. he still couldn’t shake off the feeling that there was something more behind this meeting than jaebum just wanting to catch up on some time together. on top of that this day really seemed to just be the first of an occasionally bad week.

a heavy atmosphere weighed down on youngjae’s stiff shoulders as his stomach churned. thankfully the silence was broken from time to time though, with casual chatting all initiated by his hyung. 

after some small talk their food eventually arrived and the leaders face lit up with his beautiful smile. the otter-faced boy on the other hand just started stirring around the contents of his plate with his chopsticks as soon as the waitress left. jaebum dug in and occasionally said a few words between big bites of food.

“ah, so good! how’s yours?”

“same as always.”

a small smile formed on youngjae’s lips as he chewed down on one of the few bites he’d come to take. of course it was good. it always was and youngjae praised the restaurants owner in his head as he did every time he ate here. still, his appetite wasn’t returning and nothing was really compelling him to continue his feast, no matter how amazing it tasted. whenever jaebum looked up at him though, he’d stuff more food into his mouth or pretend to be chewing.

several thoughts passed by youngjae’s head as he watched jaebum eat. judging by the speed and way he was stuffing his mouth full it really looked as if it had been days since he last did. fortunately their leader ate well and was much less prone to skip meals than youngjae, although the younger had been doing his best to avoid that these days. 

no matter how weird it might sound youngjae loved the sight of jaebum eating, looking like he was genuinely enjoying his meal and the otter-faced boy sincerely thanked the food for that. honestly speaking youngjae loved watching jaebum do anything though and he didn’t have enough words to describe how every one of jaebum’s expressions made him feel a thousand things- whether that was a goofy one the leader made to get people laughing or a serious one to make everyone listen to each word he said carefully.

 

his pondering about how he enjoyed watching the other one eventually led to thoughts about the feelings he harbored. they made it so hard for him any time they had to interact (which was basically every day) and he swore one day his heart would betray him and take a leap too far, only to stop for good. the feeling of wholly loving someone was very precious to youngjae though and if he’d give up that feeling for forgetting his crush was a question he couldn’t answer concretely.

youngjae somehow thought liking someone of the same gender would have felt different but doing just that had made him realize there was no difference at all. it almost felt more natural than liking a girl if anything. pondering over if his love interest had ever felt anything about a boy the same way he did, or if he ever would (could) led him to remember the rumors that had once spread about his leader. apparently he had made a homophobic comment on a show and fans were torn on whether he was joking or not.

youngjae had saw everything as a joke at first, because living in a country where being different wasn’t widely accepted had made him used to being taken as one. due to the controversy he’d spent some more time thinking it through though.

all of got7’s families had a great relationship so it wasn’t hard to establish the fact that jaebum definitely didn’t have a problem with mark’s sister. maybe accepting a homosexual woman could be different to accepting a homosexual man, though? that seemed very unlikely, youngjae reckoned. but there was still the chance jaebum found the thought of another man actually liking him strange or even disgusting. that wouldn’t be true though, right? would the leader dismiss any male fans who’d shout his name in a loving way? no, but maybe that was something entirely different than his own band mate doing it. 

youngjae stopped himself from letting out an audible sigh as he took a small bite of his cooling dish and continued his discussion with himself.

the skinship in got7 was on another level than other boy groups, even youngjae himself could see that. jaebum didn’t seem to mind either. furthermore, he’d never commented on jackson’s and jinyoung’s fits of cuddles and flirting. youngjae still couldn’t convince himself that the rumor was completely wrong though and once again felt his heart sink in his chest. apparently jaebum noticed because he smirked teasingly at him.

“did you lie about it being good?” he scoffed jokingly.

“of course not!”

“great, i’ll have a bite then.”

jaebum reached over the table and took some of youngjae’s food between his chopsticks. it was not that action but the amused smile on the older’s lips that made youngjae’s heart make a somersault in his chest. the leader let out a laugh at the younger’s surprised expression which finally made the otter-faced boy’s muscles relax and he sunk back comfortably in his seat again.

 

their meal together came to an end and to the youngest’s surprise jaebum had not said anything out of the ordinary. he drew a sigh of relief and made his way to the restaurants restroom as his leader left him for a minute to pay.

as he was washing his hands after relieving himself he was once again met by his own reflection in one of the mirrors. he looked really tired (which he was) which made him wish for an early reunion with his bed.

jaebum was waiting outside the door and seeing him, youngjae made a mental note to treat the other next time they decided to go out for anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really need to write more but after recovering i've been spending my time drawing !!  
> i'll have to make providing more content for this fic a top priority haha  
> i hope you enjoyed this chapter, i'm trying to take it slow, hopefully it's not to dragged out,,  
> if you did though, i'd really appreciate any feedback and comments if you have anything to say <33  
> 


	5. golden light

soon the two young men ventured outside, following the same chilly street that they’d walked earlier a few blocks until they reached their four wheeled vehicle. they both got in and rolling but after just five minutes in the car youngjae could already feel his anxiety creeping back up his spine.

“you’re free the entire night, right?”

youngjae could see where this was going from a mile away and gulped down saliva which was barely even there, mouth too dry with nervousness.

“yeah.”

“mind if we go somewhere for a breath of air?”

“sure.”

the otter-faced boy was definitely panicking now. had he really thought he would get out of this without some sort of confrontation? because that was exactly what “a breath of air” meant and he knew it. speculations overtook his mind.

had jaebum noticed him staring weird? did he suspect youngjae was in an unhealthy place again? was his performance getting worse? of course a talk didn’t necessarily have to imply something negative but right now that was all the brunette could think of. 

fidgeting with his hands on his lap, youngjae tried his best to focus on jaebum’s quiet humming instead of his cluttered thoughts, praying it would calm him down enough to at least be able to talk without a shaking voice when they stopped. 

right then youngjae really missed the chaos that ensued whenever all the members were in the same room and he felt truly carefree, the odd atmosphere he was experiencing inside the car really wasn’t the best fit for his sensitive mood.

after having turned in on a narrow road jaebum pulled off to the side. the small park that it led to were close to the dorms and youngjae would often walk there with coco and mark. youngjae got out of the car and waited as jaebum went to get a ticket. 

the otter-faced boy sincerely hoped that whatever the topic the other wanted to discuss was it had not made the older worry about him. someone wasting unnecessary time wondering about how he was doing was something youngjae would never accept (even if he admitted the thought of someone caring that much warmed him).

jaebum came back and once they entered the park they set their eyes on a bench in an empty corner, footsteps the only sound they shared. 

still fidgeting with the hem of his sweater, youngjae tried to come up with all types of answers and excuses to any questions jaebum might decide to ask him. it didn’t go that well though considering his thoughts were still a jumbled mess even imagining some of the more personal ones.

reaching the bench, youngjae carefully sat down, telling himself that no matter what this talk led to it was at least a beautiful day. sure, the breeze was cold but the afternoon sun coloring everything a golden hue definitely made up for it.

“it’s really pretty.” he said, directing his attention to a lonely dove in front of them.

“no kidding.”

closing his eyes and leaning back, youngjae let the sun bathe him in its light and the wind caress his hair. it made him a little less miserable waiting for what he knew was coming.

a few minutes passed with a quiet that youngjae silently but desperately clung to.

“youngjae?”

“yes, hyung?”

he didn’t look up at the elder to answer him, which probably would be considered rude if he didn’t know jaebum would let him go.

“are you still eating well?”

missing the beat would only create more concern from the elder so youngjae answered without hesitation.

“of course.” 

he catched the look on the elder’s face though, and understood he’d have to try harder for the elder to be convinced.

“i really am, my stomach just wasn’t craving a lot today. i’m sorry if i worried you but i promise i’m not..” he unwillingly paused a second before completing the statement.

“i’m not doing anything like _that_ again.”

jaebum quickly seemed to catch on to how hard it was for youngjae to think back on his bathroom-incident, because he took him for his word and didn’t press further. there was still a hint of worry in his dark eyes though.

after the instance where youngjae threw up jaebum would keep an eye on the younger to make sure he was eating alright and not looking too sadly at his own reflection. he was well aware that youngjae had noticed that and hoped he’d not doubt the compliments that became more frequent.

jaebum’s goal was to boost the younger boy’s confidence as much as possible until he didn’t need anyone but himself to take care of that. it seemed this was going to be an ongoing quest though, because jaebum knew the otter-faced boy well enough to see when he wasn’t being his usual sunshine.

“i’ve noticed you’ve been kind of down lately, though.”

jaebum didn’t really know where to look while bringing this up but after giving youngjae a quick glance and not seeing a reaction he settled on watching the leaves of a tree as they swayed in the wind.

“not that there’s anything wrong with that, we all go through days where we just can’t smile as wide as usual.. but if there is anything specific bothering you i’ll always be here to listen, yeah? i really do care for you as an older brother.”

to emphasize his words jaebum ruffled his dongsaeng’s dark brown hair, because that was something a brother would do, right?

youngjae was honestly very honored and happy that his leader saw him as his brother, he really was. saying the same thing to jaebum wouldn’t entirely be a lie, but it made the possibility of having anything more between them feel so much further away than youngjae already knew it was. 

usually he’d smile at being called family like this but at the mention at the word “brother” youngjae’s expression noticeably changed into something less-content.

“what’s wrong?” jaebum asked with eyebrows furrowed.

shit. youngjae could feel his face turn warm and imagine his ears turning a bright shade of red at the shame he felt from letting himself be so selfish. not only was he greedy enough to want something more than being brothers but he’d let it show on his face.

jaebum expected an answer this time and youngjae wouldn’t try his luck by ignoring the other. with a lack of excuses he could almost feel a drop of sweat run down his forehead.

“i’ll.. i’ll tell you once i’m ready.”

great. jaebum seemed to be content with that and wrapped an arm around youngjae’s shoulders. now he’d be waiting for a big confession that the otter-faced boy knew he’d never be ready to tell. what choice did he have now, though? sure, youngjae could just try his best to come up with a white lie but it wouldn’t make sense for him to have such a reaction to jaebum’s question then. 

at least he had time to consider though, he reckoned. but how much time that would be he didn’t know. all he knew was that the other would be waiting, no doubt.

“alright, take all the time you need then, jae. don’t strain yourself.”

he couldn’t help but form a smile as the leader spoke his nickname.

“thank you, hyung.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phew !! i think i'm finally getting somewhere !!  
> as you might have noticed i'm trying to update weekly, not sure how long i can keep it up but i'll try !!  
> even though jaebum might not think so himself he's actually pretty alright with comforting words ??  
> someone save our sunshine though, he's got himself in a tough situation,,,  
> hope you enjoyed this chapter, if you did- comments and feedback are greatly appreciated !!  
> thanks for reading as always, until next chapter <3


	6. ice cream

the two band mates had spent a while admiring the flowers and enchanting sunset together before eventually deciding to make their way back home. before that though, jaebum spotted an ice cream truck about to close and softly asked the younger if he’d like something. 

youngjae actually hadn’t had anything sweet in days and unlike his bad appetite for food his stomach didn’t seem upset with this offer, so he answered the older with a nod of his head. together they hurried up to the truck, half running in fear of it suddenly driving away. relieved that it didn’t, they caught the attention of one of the owners and politely asked if they had anything left.

the choices had become limited since even the colder weather did not make the sweet goodness that was ice cream any less popular, furthermore there were always people passing these streets. both boys ended up satisfied with their cones, though. 

before jaebum could get ready to pay again youngjae pushed to the front with his card and the older didn’t protest, just watching the younger from behind with an amused look.

with the cold dessert in his right hand youngjae made his way back to the car with jaebum through the now dark streets of seoul. 

it was fascinating how much the atmosphere could shift just because the sun was no longer lighting up the buildings and asphalt, street lamps becoming the main source of light instead. 

their light felt less alive the brunette thought, especially since it didn’t provide any warmth. still, they did make youngjae feel calmer somehow, almost like the sun had robbed him of his worries when it disappeared only to leave him there with the lamps fake light instead. of course the sun would eventually return though, which didn’t really make that metaphor a happy one.

before he could over-think anything else the boy was snapped out of his mind by arguably the most pleasant voice he’d ever hear.

“why do you always walk behind me, youngjae?”

jaebum turned around towards the addressed brunette and continued at the same pace backwards, taking a big bite of his ice cream (yes, a _bite._ how the older was able to eat ice cream like any other snack without his teeth or head protesting was a mystery to the younger).

“i thought one is supposed to follow their leader?” youngjae smiled and it reached his eyes for once.

jaebum laughed at the others witty remark and it filled youngjae’s stomach with butterflies.

“then, as your leader i’m telling you to walk beside me instead.”

youngjae did as jaebum wished and walked up to his leader who had stopped in his tracks for the younger. once he had taken the few steps needed to reach him a few seconds of stillness followed. the elder looked down on the younger with beautiful dark brown eyes that were practically glowing with warmth and youngjae couldn’t stop himself from directing his own gaze to the asphalt beneath him in fear of being burned.

without an awkward pause jaebum put his arm around youngjae’s shoulders once more and they started walking again, _really_ together this time. the elder squeezed his shoulder slightly which was a gesture the otter-faced boy took comfort in and even though it was now quiet again the silence wasn’t crushing but welcomed. in fact- youngjae didn’t need his earphones during the ride home either, he was finally sure this day had run out of all the negatives it could give him.

 

jaebum let out a satisfied sigh once closing the car door behind him, relived by having a shelter from the cold wind. unlike him, youngjae hadn’t been cold due to the arm around his shoulders, or rather the effects of it (his cheeks were so hot he was nearly convinced he’d faint). but he did admit that the passenger seat was very comfortable compared to the hard wooden bench. 

the leader could tell his band-mate wasn’t feeling as tense as on their way there which ultimately put him in a better mood too. jaebum was aware that he could be a bit forceful to fulfill his intentions, this time to have a real talk with youngjae. therefore he was very relieved youngjae didn’t seem too burdened.

even though he hadn’t successfully gotten much out of the younger jaebum was satisfied with haven made any progress at all. besides, no matter how worried he was he really did want to refrain from pressuring the other too much.

on the short way back to youngjae’s recidence they blasted some of their newest favourite songs and sang along. jaebum seemed very determined to make the otter-faced boy as happy as possible with the little time they had remaining together, making faces and singing in ways that had both of them loudly laughing. 

youngjae was desperately trying to get himself together to tell jaebum to stop his quirky manners and focus on not driving the car down a ditch or into a street lamp, both eventually managing to catch their breaths just as the leader pulled up in front of youngjae’s shared apartment. 

wiping a tear from his eyes from laughing too much, youngjae got ready to bid farewell.

“thank you so much for today, hyung. it was nice going out together for a bit, especially since it’s been a while.”

“yeah, it was fun! hopefully next time won’t be too far away.”

youngjae nodded and unfastened his seat-belt, then checked his pockets to make sure he wouldn’t forget anything. when he found everything he recalled bringing with him he opened the car door, turning around towards the other before leaving.

“see you during tomorrow’s schedules then.”

“of course, sleep well, youngjae.”

“you too.”

youngjae closed the door and with a final wave his leader drove away to the dorms. 

plugging his earphones into his ears and playing his usual play-list the brunette made his way into the apartment complex, greeting an older neighbor on her way out. oddly enough he really didn’t feel as bad as he’d expected before going out, but maybe that was because he hadn’t really opened up about anything he’d prepared for. 

a small smile managed to form on his lips, why he didn’t even know. for now he was just tired and not worrying too much about what was to come felt appropriate. two staircases later and he found himself in front of his front door.

youngjae missed living together with the members a lot even if it felt very much like home together with his real brother. sometimes he just felt like he missed out on time that the others spent together in the dorms and therefore wasn’t as close to them even if that might sound a little bit ridiculous, considering they still were together daily. 

when he’d get too sensitive and bitter he’d even find himself envying the cats that might as well have taken his place in the dorms. youngjae admitted it was very silly to think like that, especially since it had been his choice. he couldn’t take himself seriously either but he just couldn’t help it. 

the young singer hated how easily he’d get upset over small things even if “upset” usually wasn’t that big of a deal, just a bit of a hassle. it was far worse when his head wouldn’t let him sleep for no reason at all, except for that his thoughts were so loud and many, sometimes making him more sleep deprived than his schedules as an idol already did.

youngjae took out his key-chain and opened the door with the second smallest key, stepping in as quietly as possible since his brother’s shoes stood on the shoe rack, meaning he was home and probably sleeping- if not working on important papers. quietly the brunette took off his sneakers and put them beside his brother’s black and simpler dress shoes. 

just a moment later he could hear something rustle and then a white ball of fluff came running towards him. bending down, youngjae quickly gave his precious princess the attention she deserved, both because coco was the most lovely creature on earth and because she’d definitely start whining if he didn’t.

he could see from the hall that there was a sticky note on the fridge, telling him there was food in the freezer if he needed any and that his brother had fed coco. mark had missed her and taken care of her earlier that day and must have taken her home again while youngjae was gone. youngjae assumed his first guess about his brother sleeping was true and that he now lay peacefully in his bed.

after having nestled his nose in coco’s soft fur a moment, youngjae ventured into the kitchen with music still filling his ears, princess following him. 

since he’d already eaten he took the note off the fridge and opened a cabinet beneath the kitchen sink to throw it in their trash bin. his thirst had built up since having the ice cream earlier so after a couple gulps of water he decided he was done in the room and figured he’d just get ready for bed.

just as before youngjae felt even more at ease stepping into the bathroom even though it was currently pitch-black. Tapping the light switch, he leaned closer to the mirror and studied his face. wondering if the little things he consumed during the day would affect his skin the following days he took out his earphones and laid his phone to the side to start his bi-daily skin routine. 

a few products later and the otter-faced boy drew a long yawn, lifting his hand to cover his mouth while he did so (since everyone looked funny while yawning he had made that a habit). he almost forgot to brush his teeth before exiting the silent room, luckily he did feel like he was missing something and quickly figured it out. 

a few minutes later (it had taken longer than usual since the brunette was lowkey dozing off with the brush in his mouth) youngjae finally made his way through the apartment with his phone in hand and into his own bedroom, practically throwing his sweater and pants off before jumping into bed.

coco who had been watching him the whole time sat down next to the bed and looking into her begging eyes youngjae eventually lifted her into his bed.

had he not been so tired youngjae would probably had stayed up longer trying to make sense of the situation he’d got himself into but he left that for another day. after snuggling a bit with his cute companion, his breathing eased and he soon found himself in dreamland.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a day later than usual, i know  
> i was away yesterday and to be completely honest i haven't been feeling at my best this week  
> i also wrote nothing new so i'm happy i had this already written, to be corrected  
> this is a bit longer than usual so hopefully that'll make up for a possibly later upload as i don't have a lot more pre-written and it might take longer  
> i feel like i might have made some mistakes with this chapter so sorry for that !!  
> anyway- i hope all of you enjoy, if you do feedback and comments are appreciated as always !!  
> ((just pretend like my cover up for forgetting coco was unnoticeable lmao))


	7. denim jacket

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think i'll be too busy the next two (??) weeks to update this until after then which i'm very sorry to say,,  
> if possible i'll try to usate by the end of this week but i'm very unsure if that'll work out  
> thanks in advance for waiting and i hope you'll enjoy the chapter !! <3

a week of schedules had passed since youngjae crashed in his bed the day of setting himself up for a confession, but nothing about the promise had been mentioned since. the only proof that anything ever even happened were a few meaningful glances he and his leader shared.

for their weekend off-schedule the whole group had made plans to eat out and spend some time in a local arcade, which youngjae really had looked forward to. time spent with his members were always so precious to him and if it was unrelated to any kind of schedule, even more so. 

but unfortunately fate really didn’t seem too fond of the excited boy, because the day wouldn’t go entirely according to plan, no matter how much he wanted it to. youngjae wouldn’t know that until their meal was over, though.

 

their manager had agreed to drive them all to and from their destination so after having picked up the six other members from their various residences it was eventually youngjae’s turn to get in the loud car. 

jinyoung, jackson and mark were bickering over something the brunette didn’t understand (it sounded like it might be some kind of game) meanwhile jaebum was busy trying to stop bambam from killing them all- the thai boy and yugyeom in a laughing fit, unable to sit still. with legs kicking and objects flying all over the place it was understandable to be scared for the drivers safety.

youngjae shuffled into the seat beside jinyoung, greeting everyone with his big, open mouthed smile and earned a few “hello’s” in return.

the lively atmosphere made the brunette fluffy on the inside and as the car started moving again, noise not getting lower in the slightest youngjae let out a laugh filled with warmth at the two youngest actions instead of worrying about his life like their leader.

he caught a glimpse of jaebum leaning back into his seat again, haven given up on the two boys after they calmed down slightly and he let out a sigh which was obviously not out of annoyance, judging by his affectionate expression. the members truly loved each other and youngjae knew that even though he might never be able to have the kind of love that involved two committed people he’d at least have that of a family.

about 10 minutes later they arrived outside of a restaurant that was perfect for visiting together since it was spacious and had a very affordable menu. it wasn’t like they didn’t have the money, the boys just ate a copious amount of food and therefore reached the high end anyway. “the boys” usually did include youngjae on special occasions like these, but just like the week before when he went out with jaebum he felt a bit off. the otter-faced boy really had no idea why though, he had been less under the weather since then and had no reason to feel anything other than happy today.

getting out of the car, a chill went through the young boy which was odd, considering it had been much less cold recently and rarely enough there was no wind to speak of. when the brunette actually thought about it he had been feeling unusually cold the day before too. buttoning up his denim jacket, though it probably looked more stylish open, he hoped that he’d feel a bit warmer. needless to say, it didn’t really make much of a difference.

the seven boys and their manager made their way inside, a small bell going off when they opened the door, letting the staff know they had guests. politely a few servers, they seated around two tables right next to each other and started reading through familiar menus.

at the far end next to mark youngjae sat, with their manager and jaebum in front of him. jackson was making a ruckus and accusing jinyoung of avoiding him because he choose to sit in front opposed to next to him.

the ex-fencer kept a straight face to not interrupt the others while placing their orders but as soon as the waitress left with their menus the older of the two was on it again.

“jinyoung-ah, why don’t you sit next to me? don’t you like me?”

jinyoung was obviously dumbfounded by jackson’s continuous blaming and just stared back with a flustered smile.

when the chinese member didn’t get an answer he continued blabbering until jinyoung swallowed his pride and came up with a way to get him to quiet down.

“well, if i were to sit next to you i wouldn’t be able to see your face as clearly as i do here, would i?”

jackson was still for a moment after ignoring bambam’s “ew” but soon let out a squeal, face softening into a big smile and his hands reaching out for ones that belonged to the black haired man in front of him.

“jinyoung-ah!~”

the addressed member laughed at the action while yugyeom who sat by the end of the table were blatantly judging both of them.

mark seemed a bit jealous of the attention jinyoung was receiving and got deeper into a conversation with their manager and jaebum to try to make it less obvious. 

in other words everything was pretty much normal, youngjae commenting and laughing at the younger members and half listening to the older ones. he wondered if the fuss they were making bothered the staff of the restaurant or if it made them happy knowing the boys were enjoying themselves.

not much time passed before small dishes started filling up their tables and some of the boys dug in while others waited for other menu items. once youngjae got his hands on a bowl of rice he started to take a few bites, stacking a few side dishes on top of the white grains.

bambam and yugyeom seemed to get into a few disagreements about which dish was who’s, settling their small quarrel with a round of rock, paper, scissors. the thai boy seemed to have a bit more luck than the youngest but yugyeom was still determined to not let the other have his prize, stealing bites anyway.

When the older rapper protested the other teased until he gave up his aggressive act.

“hey bro, we shouldn’t fight! our friendship is more valuable than food, isn’t it?”

bambam sighed but eventually joined in on the maknaes chant of “EASY~”.

the atmosphere from their side of the table seemed to quickly spread and soon jaebum and jackson were in on the bets, jinyoung silently sighing because of the loud members. even mark got into it, pretending to be mad at the two youngest before eventually letting his facade down and continuing his meal peacefully. 

this was what youngjae loved so much about got7, trivial arguments included. no matter where they were, as long as they were in good spirits they could laugh like nothing else mattered.

with a smile on his lips youngjae downed another bite of rice, throat suddenly feeling a bit sore. huh, that seemed weird? the brunette had only really practiced the day before but not sung enough for it to affect the condition of his throat. every morning he’d even drink honey tea to make sure any risk of strain was minimized.

was he getting a cold? the thought was burdening and taking another bite he once again confirmed that his throat was in fact not in normal shape. he’d have to take some medicine when he got home later just in case it would get worse. 

 

the meal continued in normal pace until everyone’s stomachs were stuffed full and even then they stayed put for a while longer, enjoying the restaurants pleasant atmosphere and each other’s company. youngjae had his biggest meal in a while, occupying a big bowl and slurping down it’s warm broth in hopes of soothing his throat which seemed to be getting worse by the minute unless he was completely imagining it. 

the seven boys did eventually make their way out of the restaurant though, one after the other making the tiny bell go off until they all stood outside. their manager had told them to wait there for him while he payed so all of them did, resembling a small pack of penguins due to crowding the small sidewalk.

unbeknownst to the others though, youngjae had started feeling a bit dizzy at this point, nausea had kicked in as soon as he had stood up from his seat by the table. although it didn’t feel like the food were directly threatening to make it’s way back up the feat didn’t seem impossible either. 

since exiting through the restaurants door he had become considerable more quiet, contemplating whether it would be safe for him follow the others or not, but nobody seemed to really have noticed.

when another chill shook the brunette to his core a few seconds later youngjae gave up on being able to continue the day with the members and made up a lie about forgetting something and going back inside, stopping their manager who was on his way out in his tracks and briefly explained the situation. after considering what the idol had said the older man made up his mind about driving him home and leaving the others alone for a while.

the two of them made their way out, bell going off for the last time but instead of joining all the other boys the manager just called jaebum over explaining that youngjae wasn’t feeling too well and that he would have to take responsibility for a while since he was got7’s leader.

next to their manager youngjae really didn’t look healthy, his skin had started turning a sickly pale which contrasted to the larger man’s tanned complexion. jaebum hadn’t really noticed that anything was off with the younger brunette but if he really thought about it he might have been a little less talkative towards the end. as his leader it really made him feel bad for letting anything like that go over his head.

receiving some cash for the arcade, jaebum promised to take care of the members well until the manager returned and quickly wished for youngjae to get better. 

the black dressed man and denim wearing boy slowly but surely disappeared in the direction of the car while the remaining members set course for their own destination, going in the opposite direction. the others were obviously curious of why two of them were suddenly missing and as jaebum briefly explained their expressions turned slightly disappointed, sad that youngjae couldn’t be there to join them.

as the remaining members continued with steps that were a tad bit less enthusiastic than earlier worry settled in the pit of jaebum’s stomach without him really knowing why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> managed to get this updated reasonably on time !!  
> it's one of the longer chapters and it took more time because i hadn't really thought it through before hand orz  
> i got the few chapters pretty much figured out though so i'm hoping to write them faster than this one,,  
> but yeah be prepared for.. something next update ??  
> honestly this has turned out so much more slow paced than i was anticipating but it makes me feel more confident about the quality of this if that makes sense ??  
> i wouldn't be surprised if it makes you bored though oml,,,, i promise it'll get more intense in the next chapter !!  
> as always i'd really appreciate any feedback and to hear your thoughts in the comments <33  
> take care and i'll see you again soon !!


	8. step by step

back in front of youngjae’s apartment the company car stopped as the manager pressed the brakes and the vocalist in the passenger seat could immediately feel a headache coming at the mere thought of making his way up the stairs inside. sure, the apartment did actually have an elevator but it looked so sketchy that youngjae was scared of using it, rather risking fainting in the staircase than getting crushed against the machines floor.

his manager asked if he would be okay on his own and youngjae tried to sound as confident as possible when he answered the question positively, promising he would update the other with his condition that night so they could figure out if any schedules had to be rearranged or canceled.

the older man wished for the idol to get better soon, youngjae getting out after thanking him and making sure to stand steady on his feet as to not raise any worry. opening the heavy door to the apartment complex, the brunette turned his head back and saw the black car disappear back for the other boys.

as he looked to the ground he let out a deep sigh and determinedly made his way in, making his way up step by step while leaning on the metallic handrail. except for the physical discomfort he was in- head pounding and legs shaking- he also felt really sad, knowing the other members would have fun without him and that he’d missed another wonderful opportunity to just hang out.

cursing his weak body seemed to once again have become a habit at this point but the brunette did at least have enough strength left suppress the urge to sink down to his knees and start crying right then and there in the middle of the stone stairs. he continued up even though he dizziness had become worse, the exhausted boy trying to hold his head low because he was convinced he’d either throw up or black out if he straightened his back and stood at his full length. his teeth were clenched together and his face had scrunched into an ugly grimace, the sick boy wanted the headache to go away so bad.

not quite sure how, youngjae somehow found himself outside his white door but couldn’t even guess how long it had taken. he was just relieved he had been lucky enough to not stumble into anyone else, that would have made him feel infinitely humiliated. 

it took a few trials and errors but eventually the brunette found the right key and unlocked it and stumbled inside, kicking his shoes off and throwing his jacket on the floor. reluctantly he decided against stopping to cuddle the excited ball of white fluff that was coco and scurried into his own room to lie down in bed.

laying down, youngjae could instantly feel the headache subdue, even if for just a tiny bit but he also started feeling both too hot and cold at the same time. not knowing if he should cover himself with his duvet or not he turned around on the mattress for a bit. eventually he decided he should, the soft fabric somewhat lessening the violent chills that had been going through his body but also making sweat go down his forehead. the heat made the young boy’s eyelids feel heavy and figuring rest might make him recover faster he cast so a last glance at the princess by his bed and closed his eyes to drift into a calmer state.

not much time passed before youngjae awoke again from hearing his phone’s ring tone go off, though. rubbing his tired eyes he sat up and his feet met the wooden floor. the otter-faced boy still felt rather feverish but not as dizzy as earlier so he made an attempt at standing up to go get the noisy device. as soon as he tried it though, he took back his statement about not feeling dizzy and fell back down to his soft sheets. standing up made his head ache once again and made it seem as if everything turned dark even though he could still see clearly.

it was kind of scary so youngjae gave up on the first try and didn’t even lift a finger when his phone continued to ring two more times. still worried about who it was trying to reach him he wished to just go back to his slumber but for some reason the singer was experiencing trouble falling back asleep even though his limbs and eyelids felt so,so heavy. coco had stayed in the same place and was watching him with big eyes so the otter-faced boy made an effort to reach out to pet her, looking like she needed more comfort than him.

a quarter of an hour later youngjae finally found himself in dreamland again, only to be thrown into a dream full of commotion and tumult.

 

on the another side of the city jaebum still couldn’t shake of the feeling that he might have done something wrong. all the remaining members were enjoying themselves with games and had split up to play what appealed to them the most. 

after jaebum himself had played a round of the arcade style basketball game with jinyoung and lost with just a few points he had sat down for a minute but made sure to keep an eye out for the other boys so he had an idea of where they were.

their manager had returned a while ago and said that he’d dropped off youngjae without any problems and that he hadn’t seemed too bad then. deep in thought, the leader stroke a hand through his hair and let out a sigh. the place was pretty hot (it might have been his fault for getting a bit too into the previous game though) which distracted him, whatever reason for the heat it was a pain that he couldn’t think clearly.

the black haired boy told jinyoung he was going to the restroom for a bit and started making his way through the premise, seeing that the two youngest were playing a racing game against each other. “thankfully they wouldn’t be that reckless in a real car” he thought to himself before leaving them both behind and finding the men’s restroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> since i was gone for a while and returned with fingers on fire and some inspiration i'll give you a double update !!  
> this chapter and the next one was actually one to begin with (which is why this was cut off at a kind of awkward place)  
> but i decided to keep going with chapters around a 1000 words and upload them as separate chapters !!  
> this was never intended to be a sick-fic,,, but look where we are !!  
> (longer note in second part!!)  
> thank you so much for reading !! if you enjoyed feedback and comments are greatly appreciated <3


	9. an extra key

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a chapter just from jaebum's point of view !!

unlike the rest of the arcade which was a darker maroon the smaller room was a medium gray and inside were four stalls with orange doors. around a corner he found three sinks with one mirror respectively. quickly figuring the room was empty because of the total silence jaebum bent down in front of one of the sinks, turning the faucet. 

jaebum let the cold water fill his cupped hands and wet his face to cool down, fortunately there wasn’t any makeup on his face so he didn’t have to worry about making anyone’s work harder by ruining it. just as he had dried off his hands and face, about to play another game to distract himself from his restlessness his phone, which was in his back pocket started vibrating.

the leader preferred keeping his phone on him at all times and therefore usually didn’t need a loud obnoxious ring tone to bother him several times a day.

picking up the black mobile phone he checked the name of the caller and was surprised to see the name of youngjae’s older brother. he didn’t really call often so jaebum had a feeling the following conversation wouldn’t be a casual chit-chat.

accepting the call he greeted the older man.

“hi, jaebum-ah.. are you busy?”

judging by the slight pause of the other jaebum had not been wrong about his hunch.

“no, not at all, we all have the weekend off. why?”

“i’m sorry for asking this much of you again but would you mind listening to me for a bit?”

“no, go ahead! you have my full attention.”

leaning towards one of the gray walls the black haired singer awaited the next words of his caller.

“the manager gave me a call earlier and told me about youngjae’s condition. of course i wanted to hear how he was doing so i tried giving him a call.. or three.”

“he didn’t pick up?”

“no, that’s what i’m worried about.. i’m sure you’ve heard his phone ring on several occasions and as far as i know he usually turns the volume all the way up.”

that was definitely true and one of the reasons jaebum kept his phone on mute, he couldn’t stand the sudden noise but he’d accepted he’d never be able to escape it.

“so you’re saying even if he didn’t have it on him right then he should at least have heard it and called back?..”

“exactly! did he really look so bad that he wouldn’t be able to get up and answer a phone call?”

“not really, but he might just have gotten worse. unless..”

thinking back on old conversation he and youngjae’s brother had had about the younger singer made his imagination go places that were very burdening.

“as much as i hate it i think our thoughts are on the same wavelength and as youngjae’s big brother i really can’t help but feel worried.. i know i’m asking way to much of you but since i’m on a business trip i can’t go check up on him.. would you do it in my stead?”

“i’ll go.”

jaebum’s head was a jumbled mess imagining that he might have made the gravest mistake of his life by letting youngjae go back home to an empty apartment alone. of course the possibility of the other singer just being very sick remained but the anxiety that was building up from man on the other line’s worry and the bad hunch he’d been having the last hour made his stomach feel funny.

“do you still have the key i gave you?”

“of course, i’ll be there as soon as i can.”

“thank you so much.. and good luck.”

with a beep the ominous call ended and for a few seconds jaebum just stood still with the mess that were his thoughts raging inside his head. It had just been sheer luck that he’d been the last to exit the dorm and lock it, otherwise he wasn’t sure if he’d have his key-chain with him.

he and youngjae’s brother weren’t too close but they knew each other well enough to have gone out for a meal or two together even if it hadn’t been just the two of them. around the time jaebum had caught the other’s little brother throwing up in a dimly lit toilet stall the older man had also shared some of his worries about his younger family member. although he had never gone into details he had expressed that he trusted jaebum enough to give him an extra key to their apartment if it would ever be needed.

youngjae’s brother had been very conflicted about whether his key and expectations would be pressuring for the other but jaebum had assured him that as a leader it was just his responsibility to take care of his members in any way possible.

rushing out of the restroom got7’s vocalist ran into the other three oldest members and told them that he’d be going to check up on youngjae. the leaders distressed face caught the other’s off guard but with a lack of time because of the evident rush jaebum was in they didn’t get anything further explained and just assured him that they’d be letting their manager know right away.

jaebum couldn’t completely justify for himself why he was in such a hurry all of a sudden but he figured it wouldn’t hurt to get to youngjae as quickly as possible, so getting out of the building he completely dismissed the option of going the hear the manager’s input.

well outside, jaebum realized he’d have to get to youngjae’s apartment somehow and going back to bother the manager would completely contradict his previous actions. jogging towards a few busier streets in hopes of finding a taxi he swallowed his fears and tried to calm down.

why was he suddenly feeling so hysterical? he was well aware the possibility of everything being completely fine was just as high- if not higher than something disturbing having happened. if he didn’t know himself better he’d just say that the worry of youngjae’s older brother had rubbed off on him and that he wasn’t just completely freaked out but he couldn’t tell himself a white lie.

perhaps he felt a bit of guilt knowing he might have made his younger group member feel too pressured the day in the park after all. or maybe he blamed himself for not catching onto youngjae feeling sick. jaebum was surprised by how protective he suddenly felt of the other but didn’t get more time to think about that before he laid his eyes on an orange car that would be able to take him to the boy on his mind.

uttering out the address to the driver, he slammed the door shut to his rear seat and wheels started rolling. as the cost of the ride slowly increased jaebum looked outside the car window to streets that were somehow looking duller than ever, making him let out another sigh as he determinedly murmured a couple quiet words to himself.

“i’ll be there soon, so please just stay safe youngjae.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woah i can't believe i've surpassed 10k words with this update (counting this and the previous as one)  
> i honestly thought this would end up around maybe ??? 4-5k but i'm really happy i've come this far and that people seem to enjoy it !!  
> speaking of which ????? a thousand hits ?? THANK YOU SO MUCH !!!!!! for my first fic i'm so happy to have recieved so much possitivity and i'm hoping to not dissapoint in the future ^^  
> you have something big happening to the boys to look forward to !!  
> i have no idea how to portray different people's personalities from their own pov so i hope this isn't confusing ?? at least jb and yj have the difference of minding loud ring tones and not lmao  
> thank you for reading i appreciate it so much !! as always if you enjoy, i would love if you showed me in any way !!  
> hopefully my fingers are still on fire a bit longer so i can get ya'll the next update on time <33


	10. "thank god"

youngjae suddenly awoke from several loud bangs on the apartment door, quickly opening his eyes and feeling his heart pound hard in his chest. he had no idea what was happening as he’d been sound asleep up until that point. 

the banging continued a few more times until he could hear the door being unlocked. what the hell was going on? his brother would be gone for at least two more days and definitely wouldn’t randomly bang on the door before stepping in, eliminating the option of it being him. but the person somehow had a key to their apartment.

as far as the brunette knew nobody other than him and his brother should have one, so what if.. what if someone had stolen his brother’s one and that was what the missed phone calls had been about?

youngjae wasn’t sure if he was overreacting and if his judgment was appropriate or not but he didn’t really have time to come up with any more scenarios considering he could hear the door opening and footsteps entering.

too scared for his life, the boy failed to register coco running away to meet the intruder and youngjae did the only thing he could come up with in his panic: hide. the young singer could hear the footsteps rapidly making their way through the rooms as if the person was searching for something, he just hoped that thing wasn’t he himself. 

desperately trying to steady his breathing, he got out of bed and slid open his closet to crawl in and closed it again behind him. hugging his arms around his knees and hanging his head low, youngjae made himself as small as possible.

too busy trying to make sense of what was happening the singer even forgot his fever and dizziness, cold sweat running down his limbs and tears seeping through his closed eyes. with uncomfortable knots of anxiety in his stomach he waited in hopes that the one who had broke in would either just go away or that someone, anyone, would come to save him.

 

it somehow felt wrong to just invite himself in, so before unlocking youngjae’s door with the extra key jaebum tried to knock, but blinded by his distress it might have turned out more violent than he intended. when nobody answered he figured he didn’t have any choice but just make his way in and when he had turned the key around, opening the door he was met by a barking coco. 

she instantly recognized him but continued barking which rung several warning bells in jaebum’s head. not bothering to throw off his clothes like youngjae seemed to have done, he set course for the bathroom- the room he was most afraid of finding his friend in.

taking a deep breath, jaebum tried to forget all the nightmare-ish imagery that had filled his head on the way there. pushing the door which stood ajar he was relieved to not find youngjae there. the black haired boy hadn’t seen any trace of him while going past the kitchen either so he continued to the second most likely place of finding him, his bedroom. 

jaebum had only been over once but had no problem remembering the layout of the place. putting a bit more speed to his steps, he finally found himself outside of the white painted door, stepping his right foot into the dark room. 

the light from the corridor made the leader’s shadow fall on the wooden floor tiles and he squinted his eyes to see through the dim room. he could make out an empty mess of a bed but there was no youngjae to be find.

the white dog entered her owner’s room as well but still wouldn’t stay quiet, reminding jaebum that he did in fact have a voice he could put to use too. it broke the first time he tried called out the younger’s name, like it didn’t want to obey him- similarly to when you’re screaming for help in a dream but no sound will come out.

“where are you, youngjae?”

his voice clearly cut through the silence this time, sounding incredibly desperate even though he hadn’t meant to. just as jaebum was about to turn around to continue his search elsewhere he heard something shuffling in the singer’s closet and his eyes finally met those of the boy he had been searching for.

 

youngjae had been hyperventilating but covering his mouth as to not make any noise, something his lungs didn’t appreciate, making them feel like they were burning. coco’s violent barking made the brunette fear that his ears would start to bleed, he was so worried for her. silently, he wished to the gods that whoever it was in there with him they wouldn’t hurt his baby girl.

“youngjae?”

once he had heard the person call his name the brunette looked up in surprise, only to see black, as if his eyes were still closed. the boy was still in shock but knew he didn’t have anything to fear upon hearing the voice a second time, so he slid the door open and peeked out.

as he stuck out his head out coco ran over to him and youngjae met the black eyes of jaebum, standing by the room’s entrance. while the fear slowly run out of his body he carefully lifted coco into his lap but couldn’t help but break down crying again, his breathing still way too out of control.

jaebum didn’t know what to do except lower himself down next to the other boy, carefully rubbing youngjae’s back in hopes of calming him down. the younger had practically buried his face in coco’s soft fur and was shaking.

“thank god it’s just you.”

jaebum tried to get a look of the other boy’s face to get any clue of what was going through his head but quickly understood that wouldn’t be an easy accomplishment. without saying anything he stayed settled the way he was. taking out his phone out of his pocket he quickly notified youngjae’s brother and mark that he was fine too.

when the other main singer had finally calmed his breathing jaebum figured he should start explaining.

“i got a call from your brother telling me you wouldn’t answer your phone at all.. he was really worried but because he couldn’t come here to check up on you himself i went in his stead. i’m so sorry if i somehow scared you.”

youngjae finally looked jaebum in the face again, reluctant to lift his face from his dog’s comforting fur and jaebum felt a stab to his heart seeing the brunette’s eyes all swollen from crying.

“i-i didn’t know you had a key. i thought someone had stolen hyung’s and was breaking i-in or something.”

youngjae sniffled and coco whined in his embrace. jaebum felt so guilty for not calling out earlier, his head had been too preoccupied to even think of such an obvious thing.

“i’m really sorry.”

jaebum kept his head low with self blame. why did he have to be so fucking stupid? how could a leader make one of his members cry like that? a horrible idiot was what he was, no friend would ever hurt their own like that.

too busy with bashing himself he didn’t notice the younger lifting his hand almost jumped when he felt youngjae’s it on his shoulder, reassuring him.

“it’s okay, i know you didn’t mean to.”

getting himself together, jaebum finally got his priorities right and made up his mind to care for youngjae instead of pitying himself- that was why he came in the first place after all.

“you’re sick right? you shouldn’t sit here on the hard floor- let’s get you back to bed.”

reaching out for the younger boy, he finally got a small smile to rest on the other’s face as their hands connected and he carefully helped him up.

once the otter-faced boy was tucked in bed safely jaebum realized he should go and take off his thin jacket and shoes, sincerely apologizing for dirtying youngjae’s floor in his hurry.

“it’s fine, it’s fine. could you go and pick up my phone too when you’re well at it? it should be in the right pocket of my jacket. i was to dizzy to go get it earlier but i really want to call my brother back.”

with a nod jaebum went to retrieve the phone and leave his stuff in the hall, tidying up the clothes youngjae had scattered over the floor earlier too.

as he handed the phone over jaebum asked where he could find tea ingredients, figuring he would be staying for a while so he might as well treat the other as best as he could.

“does your throat hurt?”

“yeah, a little bit.”

that was a lie. youngjae definitely felt like it was burning.

“i’ll put some honey and ginger in it then?”

“yes, thank you, hyung.”

while youngjae made his call jaebum finally felt himself relax again, making his best with the tea and picking the flavor he knew youngjae would usually enjoy the most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was not feeling at my best the other day but the negative energy kind of motivated me to write so i have that to thank for !!  
> i honestly have no idea how i feel about the writing in this chapter,,, i'm trying my best haha  
> finally something happened though !! there'll be more dialogue in the next chapter,, be prepared !!  
> on another note, we've reached 10 chapters !! i think i have an idea of where this is going but i don't think it will be a lot longer,,  
> we'll see how it goes i guess !!  
> thank you so much for staying with me and reading this far <33 any type of feedback and comments are appreciated ^^


	11. confession

jaebum had finished brewing the tea before youngjae could end the call with his brother but didn’t want to disturb him in the middle of it so he waited outside, conveniently stumbling in with a tray as soon as one of the choi brothers hung up.

youngjae greeted his leader with a smile and tried his best to not look as hideous as he felt, taking one of the cups from the tray after the black haired boy had put it down on his bedside table. both boys took a few sips in silence, careful as to not burn their tongues. 

coco had jumped into bed with youngjae, much calmer than she’d been when jaebum first stepped into the apartment. the older vocalist let his eyes rest over the dog and younger boy for a few seconds while he felt the cup warm his hands. 

he was sat on the side of youngjae’s bed since there was no room for him to get a chair and the other was determined to not let him sit on the floor.

jaebum reached out his hand to touch the other boy’s forehead with the back of his hand, quickly figuring he had a fever and got up to fetch a wet towel for his friend.

youngjae wasn’t sure if the heat was actually from the fever or if what the other singer had felt was actually a hint from the brunette’s body telling the older that his touch could literally melt him. whichever it was the otter-faced boy had too much of a headache to think about it so he just dragged the covers higher over himself, letting coco rest on his chest.

when jaebum came back into the room he smiled at the sight of the other boy, looking so small in his big bed, resembling a little kid. youngjae had closed his eyes so jaebum assumed he was trying to get some sleep and turned off the main light in the room, just leaving the small lamp on the bedside table on for himself. gently he set down the towel on the brunette’s forehead and once again settled beside him on the bed.

youngjae hadn’t said anything since the call with his brother ended but a voice at the back of his head told him this would be a good time to get over with everything that had been bothering him.

“jaebum-hyung..”

“yes?”

jaebum’s eyes once again had that warmth to them that youngjae couldn’t quite explain, he just knew it made him feel safe. the other boy’s expression told him that he was ready to listen to anything and for the first time in forever youngjae actually felt confident enough to speak his mind (which might also partly have been the fever’s fault).

“can we talk?”

“does it have anything to do with what you mentioned at the park?”

jaebum looked at him with a soft expression and youngjae promptly nodded.

“i’m all ears.”

the younger boy gulped, waiting a few seconds for any hint of anxiety to come creeping up on him but when he felt nothing he figured it might be safe to continue. he had no idea where or how to start though, stumbling over his words a few times before finally starting his confession.

“you.. you might not like what i’m going to say.”

the younger boy mumbled something about how mark would at least understand him under his breath and jaebum was keeping his ears peaked to gather possible puzzle pieces.

youngjae locked his hands together and stared up at the white ceiling, unable to grasp that he was actually about to speak some of the words that he’d kept to himself for so long.

“i think i might not.. like girls. like at all. it’s not that i’m not trying to say i hate them. i just don’t.. _like_ them in a ‘i’d date you’ kind of way?”

youngjae’s heart was beating faster but he still felt kind of okay. as the words escaped his mouth it felt like a weight was lifted off his shoulders. 

“so you’re gay?”

youngjae hesitantly met jaebum’s eyes but after seeing that he didn’t look disappointed at all the brunette decided to nod for an answer. looking down at his fidgeting hands again he said it out loud for the first time in life.

“i’m gay.”

the words rolled off his tongue awkwardly but made some butterflies flutter in his stomach, like he was fully on his way of accepting a part of himself he’d always been too scared to explore.

“so what made you decide to come out suddenly?”

jaebum was resting his head on his palm with an understanding smile on his lips and carefully nudged youngjae’s leg with his other hand, waiting for an answer.

the sight of the other, completely calm even after his big revelation made youngjae smile as well, if only for a few seconds. the next part was what he was most scared of.

“that’s what i wanted to get to. you see..” 

unsure where to look, youngjae continued fiddling with his fingers.

“there’s actually a boy i really like.”

the black haired boy flashed a teasing smile at the younger that once again made his heart beat harder in his chest.

“don’t tell my you’re trying to win brownie points with me to help you convince the company that you two dating isn’t a problem?”

youngjae gently shook his head, appreciating that jaebum was comfortable enough to ask such a question.

“no, i haven’t actually told him yet.”

“oh.. is it someone i know?”

hesitating a second and avoiding eye contact youngjae contemplated how he’d answer.

“i guess..”

seeing that youngjae was deep in thought with a pout on his lips, jaebum decided to lighten up the atmosphere with a joke.

“isn’t this exactly like the set up in movies? don’t tell me you’re actually confessing to me?”

chuckling a bit to himself, proud of his clever remark got7’s leader failed to notice the way the younger’s expression instantly darkened until he opened his eyes again.

youngjae’s confidence had run out as soon as he heard the last sentence leave jaebum’s mouth and his breath hitched in his throat. was the thought of him having a crush on jaebum really that funny? probably, his feelings being reciprocated was impossible after all.

immediately the brunette sensed that he wouldn’t be able to move on like he didn’t feel as if he was drowning and moved the covers off of himself, throwing his legs over the side of the bed and surprising the older.

“youngjae?”

the brunette stumbled, wanting to get to the bathroom and lock it behind him before a full on panic attack settled in. had he really thought he could confess and be taken seriously? jaebum would be disgusted the moment he figured out the truth. 

youngjae’s head was still fuzzy though and with shaking legs he couldn’t get too far, falling to his knees before even getting out the bedroom. the singer could hear his heartbeat in his ears, almost deafening and made himself as small as he could on the ground, forehead rested on the floor and arms blocking out all light.

“h-hey, you alright?”

youngjae didn’t answer, to occupied with trying to keep his head from exploding from all the horrible sensations he was experiencing.

“i-it was a joke, shit that was really insensitive.”

jaebum mumbled the latter half of the sentence under his breath, cursing himself once again.

“jae?”

jaebum spoke their shared nickname a little too loud, signaling distress and not helping youngjae with his raging mind.

“i’m sorry, hyung.”

“no, no it’s alright, we’ll talk about it, okay? we just have to calm you down first.”

jaebum had no idea what was going on but figured staying composed was his best bet and just as earlier he went to sit by the younger’s side, wrapping an arm around him. the sudden onset of the other scared the leader immensely, youngjae was obviously panicking but the leader didn’t know if he could deal with it alone.

“jae, do you want me to call an ambulance?”

youngjae was just barely able to hear the question for the blood rushing in his ears but didn’t trust himself to be able to speak, still fighting for his breath so he grabbed the older’s arm and shook his head trying to get his answer across. thankfully it seemed to work.

“okay.” jaebum answered softly.

the black haired boy continued to stroke youngjae’s back in a calm manner but the brunette wasn’t sure if he could accept the other’s touch after he had practically laughed at his feelings without fully realizing it. it made him feel less alone in the darkness though and reminded him to keep breathing, no matter how hard of a task it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> before anything else i'll be 100% honest and say that i've never experienced a panic attack, i do suffer several anxiety symptoms though so i tried to just portray those as more intense after reading up and doing my research,, i'd hate to be one of the people who guess their way to how something they haven't gone through feels !! feel free to tell me if there's something innacurate with my depiction though and i'll try to change it <3  
> as time goes on i honestly lose more and more confidence in this which probably isn't nice to hear from an author lmao  
> i'm still determined to finish though so don't worry too much ^^;;  
> as always i'd appreciate your feedback in any shape, way or form and i'm infinitely thankful for those that have followed me this far !!
> 
> if you're a jyp fam and stan day6 i'm just letting you know i made a short dopil fic too !! it's 100% fluff with little to no plot so if you're bored with this fic you might enjoy that one more haha  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/15469326


	12. mismatched socks

after what felt like an eternity youngjae finally lifted his head from the floor, keeping his gaze low while putting an arm over jaebum’s shoulder’s for balance, tugging a bit at his gray shirt to get his attention.

“bathroom.”

jaebum got the cue and carefully stood up, helping the smaller boy to make his way to the wished destination. with a hand around youngjae’s waist they made their way across the wooden tiles and the older noticed the brunette were wearing different socks, one completely white while the other had gray toes. that somehow reminded him of how innocent the boy next to him really was and how much he’d have to do in the future to keep him from harm.

if youngjae did in fact like him more than just as a friend jaebum would have to figure out how to deal with the situation, not to mention figure out his own feelings. the black haired boy had always said that youngjae was like a real brother to him but since he didn’t have any siblings of his own he couldn’t compare the special way he felt towards youngjae with anything. maybe.. he had mistaken his own feelings?

shaking his head to focus on the present, jaebum carefully pushed the bathroom door open, figuring out who the sunshine of got7 really was to him would have to come later.

youngjae let go of his leader and stumbled inside, leaning with one hand on the sink but seeing his face in the mirror he promptly close his eyes again. he looked like a total mess, hair ruffled and the corners of his eyes red. for a few moments he stood with his head low and tried to get himself together.

jaebum laid a hand on his shoulder, as a reminder that he was right beside him if he was needed.

youngjae drew in a sharp breath at the touch. would this get rarer now? surely jaebum would start avoiding contact once he made sure that youngjae wasn’t about to break down. he’d distance himself and maybe that would help the brunette get over his feelings faster (or before he died).

but he didn’t want to get over them. youngjae clenched his eyes shut harder as he felt his eyes start stinging once again. god, why did he have to be such a crybaby? maybe if he hadn’t had a fucking panic attack while revealing his crush they could have just moved on like it wasn’t a big deal. maybe if he hadn’t been sick in the first place he wouldn’t have been stupid enough to think he could confess and just go on with his life.

“hey, you okay?”

jaebum sounded so hurt which made the younger feel a stab to his chest as well. jaebum was gently gripping his shoulder, trying to comfort him.

youngjae was so tired. he didn’t want to deal with this. the nausea building up from the pit of his stomach was stopping him from getting back to bed though.

“yeah, i’m okay. i think i can get by alone now.”

youngjae turned the faucet and splashed his face with a bit of water to hopefully look a bit fresher and then turned around to face the other, still leaning with both his hands against the sink.

youngjae’s small smile didn’t look too convincing together with his pale face and considering there had been tears falling from his eyes just moments earlier, not to mention that he couldn’t even get through his apartment alone.

“i-i don’t know, youngjae.”

jaebum voiced his doubt with a raw expression but youngjae insisted on him leaving the room. he was pretty sure the meal from earlier wouldn’t stay in his stomach for much longer and if youngjae was going to throw up he wanted to do it alone. more than that he just didn’t know how to feel in jaebum’s presence anymore. their leader was smart enough to catch on to youngjae’s feelings and the fact that he hadn’t said anything other than “we’ll talk about it later” made the brunette restless. why couldn’t he just reject him and get it over with?

youngjae guessed he should be thankful that the black haired boy was taking his time and coming up with a less straight forward way of saying “i don’t like you like that”, though. jaebum was really a good person after all.

“o-oh yeah, would you mind feeding coco? there’s a measurement in her food bag, just give her that much. the bag’s in the cabinet next to the pantry. i think i’ll stay in here for a bit longer.”

“sure.. but keep the door unlocked, okay?”

youngjae nodded and jaebum reluctantly made his way out the restroom, keeping the door ajar so he’d be able to hear if anything out of order was happening.

the older boy easily found the dog food where youngjae had described and filled coco’s small bowl with the amount the brunette had told him to. while he was at it he decided to change the water in the second bowl too. coco had come as soon as she heard the sound of her bowl being filled and devoured it’s contents with a wagging tail.

jaebum had to admit she was really cute (not as cute as nora, though) but he felt antsy in youngjae’s apartment. he had already decided he’d stay the night, no way he was gonna leave youngjae after everything that had happened earlier.

feeling uneasy, jaebum decided he’d just sit down and wait outside the bathroom door until youngjae came out. with his legs crossed and back against the wall he finally relaxed his shoulders, fiddling with the hem of his jeans as he carefully listened to get a clue of what the younger male was doing.

it didn’t take long until he could make out sounds of gagging and vomiting, the unpleasant sounds made him cringe and a couple hairs stand up at his neck.

“jae, can i come in?”

as jaebum awaited an answer he could hear more gagging and was halfway on his feet when youngjae started coughing instead.

“don’t!”

the black haired boy sighed and plopped back down on the floor, hiding his face in his hands. he felt really useless, unable to do anything other than wait. although he knew youngjae was actually sick this time and wasn’t willingly throwing up it still took him back to the day he’d found youngjae alone on the bathroom floor.

had jaebum done enough for the other since then? had he been able to keep an eye out for his group mate as he’d promised himself?

got7’s leader lifted his head from his hands and run one of them through his hair again. he could hear the toilet being flushed and water filling up the sink inside. the other seemed to be brushing his teeth too, presumably to get rid of the foul taste in his mouth. 

soon enough youngjae was by the door, one hand on the doorknob and looking down on jaebum who sat in front of him. the younger boy had a blank look on his face and just as soon as their eyes had met they were looking elsewhere.

jaebum got up on his feet and with his index finger moved some stray hair out of youngjae’s face. if youngjae didn’t have any common sense he would have screamed out loud. how much would jaebum play with his hear before breaking it?

“can you walk alright now?”

“i think so, i feel a bit better.”

the young boy covered his mouth with his hand as he yawned. 

“sleepy?”

“yeah..”

his throat was burning worse after vomiting and remembering he did actually hide away some throat candies in one of the bathroom drawers he went back in to fetch one before returning to jaebum.

the older boy reached out his hand and youngjae didn’t dare refuse or ask questions so with their hands intertwined youngjae finally set course for bed and well needed sleep. 

as they walked side by side youngjae wondered if this would be the last time he felt jaebum’s strong hand in his and unbeknownst to the older he tried hard to etch the way it felt into his brain, unconsciously pressing the leader’s hand in the process.

unlike him, jaebum had never been so aware of how a hand could feel so comforting in his own. he wasn’t one to initiate skinship but right then he thought that maybe, just maybe this was a feeling he could get used to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm actually kind of happy with this chapter even though i wrote it all in one setting just before uploading it !!  
> i didn't write at all earlier this week so i'm happy i still managed to get something on time ^^  
> school starts next week and i might be busy even before then so next update might be late and i apologize for that orz  
> i hope you enjoyed this chapter, if you did i'd love to hear any thought in the comments !!  
> thank you so much for still reading and i hope you have a great week, see you soon <3


	13. sofa

unless youngjae had already been halfway drifting to sleep he would have asked jaebum if he was staying over that night or not but with a deep sigh and a bit of nonsense muttered he had quickly been knocked out in bed.

jaebum wasn’t really sure what the odd feeling building up in his stomach was trying to convey as he looked at the other boy but he shaked his head as to not waste time pondering over it. making sure not to forget the other resident of the apartment- that being coco- he decided to go out for a quick walk with her. the singer figured he should give their manager a call too to discuss the upcoming schedules of his friend.

 

since they still had about a day and a half off-schedules the two of them concluded that it would be best to wait and see how youngjae’s condition improved, hopefully with a couple days of rest he would be up and ready to go back to work again.

it had turned chilly outside and as jaebum stopped under a street lamp to let coco investigate a few bushes he could see white smoke escape his mouth every time he opened it to answer one of the manager’s questions. the black haired boy could tell the situation was stressing the older man out a bit and jaebum initially felt bad for the trouble before reminding himself that this was one of the things the manager had to be prepared for in his field of work.

the call came to an end and jaebum roamed the black streets for a while longer since coco still seemed to enjoy the walk, judging by her wagging tail. her small paws excitedly slipped over the asphalt sidewalk, followed by jaebum’s significantly louder steps.

once back in the younger brunette’s apartment jaebum realized that he hadn’t brought anything with him, such as a toothbrush or change of clothes. he still entered the bathroom though and was met by a red nosed reflection of himself. opening a cabinet (which wasn’t very polite at all but he figured he knew youngjae and his brother well enough that they wouldn’t scold him) he managed to find some mouthwash which they most likely wouldn’t mind him using since the bottle was still almost full.

jaebum made sure his teeth were at least cleaner than before he went out and spit out the blue colored liquid, lazily washing his face and answering the call of nature before checking in on youngjae one last time to make sure he was still asleep.

after checking that was the case got7’s leader dragged himself to the living room, not noticing earlier that he was indeed just as tired as the other boy seemed to have been. throwing himself on the choi brothers’ sofa (on which he could barely lay stretched out) he propped his head up on an armrest.

as the black haired boy settled himself more comfortably he could sense that no matter how tired he was, sleep was still far away- his head was just too filled of tumult. the day had just been supposed to be all of the group hanging out for a rare couple of days off but instead he had ended up here, in the apartment of the boy he had always referred to a brother so easily.

tasting the word “brother” on his his tongue for a while longer jaebum subconsciously scrunched his eyebrows together. for the first time in his life he was wondering if the way the word described his feelings for the other boy was really right.

then again, he’d never imagined that youngjae would have a crush on him and thought that he’d have to even consider a romantic relationship between them. jaebum couldn’t help but wonder if doubting his own feelings now, just because of the sudden confession was right and fair to youngjae who had most likely been hurt because of him many times already.

letting out a groan, jaebum turned on the couch and opened his eyes to search for a blanket, noticing there was one hanging over the back of the armchair just beside the couch. with his left hand he reached out and wrapped himself in the soft fabric as soon as he’d grabbed it.

one thing was for sure though and that was that they would have to talk and figure it out sooner or later because jaebum couldn’t just leave youngjae hanging forever. the younger boy just needed to get better soon, health was almost the highest priority after all.

somewhere along the line of coming up with things to say for when he sooner or later would have to face youngjae’s feelings jaebum finally fell asleep too, without haven found the reason to the strange feeling in his gut.

 

annoyed with the buzzing in his pocket and a loud noise accompanying it jaebum was jolted awake, thankful he had remembered to turn off the earliest alarms so the clock was just about 8. it took a while for the dozy boy to figure out why his body was aching more than usual, eventually arriving at the conclusion that he’d slept on youngjae’s couch instead of his much softer bed.

after turning on the couch for a while longer and waving off the white dog who’d come to wish him a good morning jaebum managed to get himself up on his feet at last, stretching his arms tall over his head. dragging his feet over the floor tiles, jaebum made sure to look into youngjae’s room first thing of the day as well. he could hear the younger’s calm breathing and concluded that he could relax for a bit longer.

idols usually had a stack of different skin products they used on the daily but seeing as jaebum had come there empty handed he ended up just washing his face with a bit of normal hand soap, silently hoping his skin would let him go for a day or two without the usual procedures without breaking out and resulting in a nagging from one of the makeup artists. 

finishing up what he could of his morning schedule, jaebum then went to check the contents of youngjae’s fridge and was relieved to find at least enough food to make both lunch and breakfast for the both of them. 

as the black haired vocalist closed the door to the cool fridge he made sure to write a mental note to leave a few bills to repay the actual owners of the content in there. then he once again set out for a walk with coco, thinking he might as well make himself useful while over.

 

youngjae jumped a bit as he suddenly heard the lock turn on the apartment door and stopped in his tracks. he’d been roaming through the rooms, one hand always keeping contact with a wall to make sure he didn’t lose balance. this time he wasn’t surprised as he saw jaebum step in, coco barking by his feet.

“oh, hey! did you sleep well? feel any better?”

jaebum was smiling but youngjae couldn’t help but feel like it was overdone considering the other boy was now aware of his crush.

youngjae nodded but wasn’t sure if jaebum catched it since he had turned his head a second to close the door. the horrible dizziness from yesterday had gone but the otter-faced boy would definitely need more rest to feel capable of anything even moderately demanding, not to mention dance again.

the brunette had been going through his apartment to search for the older boy once he realized coco wasn’t there but hadn’t been looking around too long before jaebum had come back.

youngjae couldn’t quite understand why the other had stayed the night, though. perhaps out of pity? the most realistic reason was probably that the leader had been too worried to leave because of how sick he’d been the day before but youngjae just couldn’t let himself believe that.

youngjae sighed, he didn’t want to think about yesterday, just knowing his feelings- which he’d never planned to confess at all- were now out in the air stopped his heart from resting at a comfortable pace and a few knots kept coming and going to squeeze his stomach.

“you hungry? sit down, i’ll fry some eggs for breakfast.”

the brunette was worried about if he’d be able to keep the food down this time but figured he might as well eat while he didn’t feel nauseous and followed jaebum’s request.

the younger boy was served some sunny-side ups, reminding him of his position as the “sunshine of the group”. he wondered how much dedication it would take to keep that facade up with his fragile hear which would soon start cracking as his feelings were turned down.

swallowing the depressing thoughts with bites of egg and runny yolk youngjae’s plate slowly became emptier, while there was still some food left on jaebum’s. strange, the younger thought- his leader was known for eating well.

who knew, maybe rejecting someone wasn’t as easy as youngjae had imagined and the other’s appetite had been worsened by the bother.

just why had he initiated a one sided love that only hurt the people involved?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote most of this in one setting but because of school i needed some more time to add length and to correct it !!  
> i realized after finishing this chapter that basically nothing happened so i'm very sorry for the boring update TT  
> not too much left now i'd say though ?? just the conclusion and an ending- one of which i've yet to completely figure out :'3€  
> can't say for sure how many chapters that'll translate to !!   
> idk how often i'll update either, i'll just try my best for you !!  
> as always thank you so much for reading and if you enjoyed i'll really appreciate your feedback !!  
> wishing all of you who've gone back to school too good luck, you're doing great <3


	14. coffee

jaebum had ended up going home later that day after he’d made sure one of youngjae’s friends could come check up on him and help him with coco until he had regained some energy. they hadn’t managed to talk anything through which jaebum found regretful, but maybe he needed more time to think about everything anyway.

youngjae stayed home the rest of the free days and was forced to keep away from the company building one additional day by his friend before he was able to convince her that he’d take it easy during practice. 

in a week the brunette had completely recovered and the worst thing (except just the thought of having to face his leader at some point) during that time had been that his throat was too bad to sing. it wasn’t just that he couldn’t practice as usual, he felt like he was missing a part of himself and it made him restless. anytime he tried to reach out with his voice he had to stop himself and retake, reminding himself that his voice wasn’t in a good enough condition for that.

meanwhile, all throughout that week jaebum had been arguing back and forth with himself to find the most authentic way to answer youngjae. thinking back on his past experiences with “love” he was pretty sure he had finally organized his feelings by the end of the week and the only challenge left was to get them out and understood by the younger boy.

 

youngjae had actually listened to his friend when it came to not going all out during practice, although it had mostly been because of the members urging him to be careful and not letting him sweat even a drop too much.

this led to him often watching whoever he was accompanying from the side and he made sure to add in small humorous comments here and there to not look too bored or lost all alone. 

the only time he had actually shared the dance studio with jaebum was when the entire group was present and then he’d make sure to direct his attention to any other members- preferably the maknae line as they always had something to laugh at. he didn’t want to hurt the older boy by ignoring him but he couldn’t stand the anxiety when it was just them. he just hoped it wasn’t too obvious when his own laugh was slightly off or if the smile on his face didn’t last quite as long as it usually would.

during the end of one of these group practices, when youngjae had recovered significantly and had decided to catch up on some of the moves by himself, he watched anxiously as all members disappeared out of the studio- or well, all except jaebum. 

as the brunette sat down against a wall and wiped off some of the sweat that had accumulated on his forehead with a small towel he tried to relax but for some reason his right leg kept shaking and he didn’t know if he should blame it on practice or his nerves.

jaebum had given jinyoung- who was the last to leave- a meaningful glance before he stepped out the door and the only sound that filled the room was heavy breathing from the tired boys. the black haired out of the two scratched his neck and cleared his throat before turning around to look the younger singer straight in the eye for the first time that day.

“you, uh.. wanna ditch practice?”

jaebum’s hand fell back down to hang by his side and youngjae noticed the older biting at the inside of his lip, apparently he was nervous too but ready to finally deliver his answer. the younger of the two kept their eye contact for a few seconds longer before looking down at his shoes and pretending to tie the laces that had in fact not come undone.

“okay.”

he might as well stand the anxiety of being in the presence of the older and get it all over with.

after hearing the brunette’s soft answer jaebum nodded and waited for the other to get up, both of them eventually escaping the room after fetching their stuff and packing it down in their respective bags.

since they had just stayed behind a minute or two they ended up bumping into jackson and mark before they could make their way out of the building. just as jackson’s mischievous face lit up and he opened his mouth to say something jaebum gave him a stern look, although quite discreetly but it successfully made the chinese boy stop in his tracks.

“see you back home, mark!”

with a small smile youngjae said goodbye to the members as well and followed his leader who was waving to the oldest of their group. They had barely passed the other two before youngjae could hear jackson vent his confusion to mark.

“really, what’s with jaebum-hyung? ignoring me like that?”

wondering how long it’d take to calm down jackson and what the whole ordeal had been about the brunette and the black haired boy in front of him soon enough stepped out of the jyp building. youngjae put on a black face mask that he’d kept in his pocket, meanwhile jaebum put his hood over his head.

they paced over a street together and started walking somewhere- where youngjae had no idea about but he quietly followed. while no cameras were rolling youngjae would usually keep his gaze low and he noticed his steps had automatically matched the older’s.

it reminded him to keep breathing steadily even if he knew someone could easily recognize the two of them at any time and start a commotion. of course most of the attention would be positive but some days he just didn’t feel like he was worthy of facing his fans, worried he’d somehow disappoint them.

“you’re walking behind me again.”

jaebum had looked over his shoulder, snapping youngjae out of his thoughts with the statement and after a quick glance up at his face youngjae paced up to his left side.

“where are we going, hyung?”

jaebum shrugged and made an expression like he was thinking.

“let’s get some coffee.”

youngjae didn’t question the older as they continued, ending up in a coffee shop a few minutes later before they got going again.

youngjae had almost stopped noting the passing buildings and turns they took when they started taking a very peculiar path, brushing against the walls of a narrow passageway between two high buildings and almost running into some suspicious looking guys before he had to stop a minute to catch his breath. somehow they’d found themselves in a quiet spot in the middle of seoul which some might have seen as an impossible task.

there was a lonely bench in front of a large, naked tree and other than the pathway they’d entered from there were a few additional alleys of similar sizes all pointing in different directions. additionally, there was a small sign on one of the walls but except for that the place was really empty, too empty for youngjae’s taste. just like he’d be once jaebum finally opened his mouth to tell him there was no other choice than to give up his feelings.

youngjae unconsciously chewed on the straw of the coffee cup in his hands although he’d drunk all the hot liquid a while ago. he’d heard somewhere people drunk more when they were anxious and wondered if that was the case and the reason he couldn’t slow down even though his tongue got burned.

jaebum on the other hand didn’t hesitate before going to sit down. he didn’t say or gesture anything for the younger, just knowing he’d get the cue anyway.

sitting down next to his leader youngjae couldn’t help but feel displeased with himself- selfishly confessing to someone without even knowing if they’d ever be interested in someone of the same gender. or dating anyone in general. what if youngjae couldn’t get over his feelings after all and things ended up getting awkward? fans and staff would most likely notice. what the hell would he do then?

the troubled boy didn’t know and the dried sweat covering his body didn’t exactly make him feel any less disgusting. he swallowed thickly as he felt a light tap on his shoulder.

“i.. i’m sorry i dragged you all the way here so suddenly. i stumbled upon this place a while ago and it came into mind when i thought of a place to talk things out.. you okay?”

“yeah, it’s all good.”

not completely sure what he was commenting on youngjae tried to get over his nerves. he had to do his best to act strong so jaebum wouldn’t feel too bothered while rejecting him. he’d stirred up too much trouble already.

jaebum scratched his shoe against the ground a few times as he gathered the courage to finally take the first step.

“mind if i speak my mind then?”

youngjae was afraid of meeting jaebum’s eyes but even more afraid of this being the last time he could look at the love of his life with honesty, just like he was the last and most beautiful flower to ever bloom again. so he faced his fears. his heart was on display out in the open, just waiting for a cold dagger to pierce right through it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry for the late update !! TT  
> school is making me really tired and my motivation has mostly leaned towards art the last weeks, i'll try to get the next chapter out sooner !!  
> on another note- thank you so much for over 100 kudos and 2000 hits !!!!! it makes me so happy to see people liking and giving my work a chance TTTTT  
> i was planning on writing the upcoming coversation for this chapter but things got a bit lenghty so i'll leave you with a cliffhanger ///sorry  
> thanks in advance for any future support !! i'd also love to hear any of your thoughts in the comments ^^  
> until next time <3


	15. his feelings

“guess i’ll just take it all from the beginning then..”

youngjae had leaned back against the bench, trying his best to look comfortable although he didn’t want to anything more than just run away and accept a life where he and jaebum couldn’t be together. of course it was arguable if it was really worth fleeing everything just because being in the presence of the man he loved would hurt, he’d loose so much more than the joy of just seeing him in the process.

“i know it’s kind of awkward to be talking about a past relationship when this doesn’t really have anything to do with the present but please hear me out.”

the brunette nodded, _not at all_ troubled by having to sit through his crush talking about his last girlfriend before declaring that he had no interest at all in having something more between him and a boy- the one beside him to be more specific.

“there was this girl back in school who i was kind of acquainted with before she asked me out. i didn’t really see any reason to reject her so we ended up going out for quite a while. despite this i.. didn’t really feel a lot towards her during the larger part of all that.”

jaebum’s voice became a bit lower and youngjae understood this was probably something he’d never talked about before and that he might actually be embarrassed about it.

“um, this’ll sound totally weird but.. i didn’t really wanna do all that romantic stuff for like really long. even though i ended up really liking her by the end of it, doing anything more than kissing, cuddling and you know that kind of stuff.. just felt like too big of a step? she got tired of me before i could completely reciprocate her feelings and i ended up being very bummed out about that for a long time. didn’t really date after that because i thought something was just kind of wrong with me.”

although youngjae was a part of a minority when it came to his sexuality he wasn’t really educated about the whole community due to korea being the way it was. he recalled having heard from another idol about some identity that did kind of fit jaebum’s description, though.

“i don’t think there’s anything wrong with you, hyung. it’s okay to take it slower than others.”

jaebum looked a bit bashful, shoe still scraping against the ground beneath them.

“i guess you’re right.. but this isn’t supposed to be about me, it’s about you.”

jaebum turned to look at the younger boy again and this time youngjae could sense something unexpected was about to happen.

“here’s my point. i’ve been thinking about it a lot and it’s true that i feel something special for you, that’s why i’ve been calling you a real brother all this time. but what if that wasn’t it? what if we actually gave something more a try and it works out? i know it’s really selfish to just ask this of you without any guarantee that it’ll actually not end up making things worse for you and i don’t even know if you like this idea at all, it could potentially end up being more troublesome if i really think about it--”

“w-wait a second, what?”

youngjae’s eyes were wide open and he had no idea what had just escaped the other’s mouth. 

“oh, sorry i didn’t mean to ramble-”

jaebum cleared his throat, gathering a bit of courage to put his words in a clearer sentence.

“if you really do like me and think it would be worth to try g-going out with me i think we should do it.”

no matter how many times youngjae twisted and turned the words and no matter how many times he came to the same conclusion he just couldn’t believe it. there must have been something wrong with how his brain interpreted it because he just _knew_ this could never happen. he’d imagined it so many times but by the end of it all something finally revealed that it had only been fantasy and completely impossible. yet somehow, jaebum hadn’t started laughing yet and called out the joke. youngjae really had no idea what he was supposed to do.

unable to get a word out he just kind of sat there without making a sound before he felt a growing knot in his throat.

what the hell was this?

“jae? of course you don’t have to, i’ll do anything to not be a burden on you. just- please, tell me what’s on your mind.”

why’d jaebum have to look so concerned? youngjae had convinced himself there was nothing about him that could make someone love him, yet that was still exactly what he wanted someone to do. now the man that he’d yearned for so long had suddenly offered himself to try and youngjae was hesitating?

his voice was strained as he spoke, trying his best to choke back his tears.

“y-you don’t think that’s weird? or wrong? that we’re both-”

interrupted by a hiccup, youngjae closed his eyes and lowered his head. he honestly didn’t even know why he was still trying and hadn’t given up on jaebum earlier. how had he survived this so long?

“how could i when jackson and jinyoung-”

seeing as the younger furrowed his brows and looked up at him through long lashes, jaebum internally cursed at the two other boys who only kept bringing him trouble.

“don’t tell me those bastards haven’t even informed you yet?”

youngjae gently shook his head, totally unaware of whatever had been going on between the two other members. with a face that practically screamed “give me a break” jaebum continued.

“i guess you’re lucky you didn’t find out the way we did, though. you probably noticed i was a bit harsh to jackson earlier and i’m sorry you had to witness that but yeah, there’s actually an explanation believe it or not.”

youngjae was very confused as the topic kept changing back and forth to different people but he listened tentatively as jaebum spoke and gestured with his hands.

“i don’t know the whole story but apparently jinyoung wouldn’t agree to come over to jackson’s place so he ended up inviting himself over and let’s just say me and mark didn’t get a lot of sleep after that. i didn’t have time to scold them this morning so that encounter earlier just turned out the way it did.”

now youngjae’s head was really turning and he hoped he was really taking jaebum’s implications the right way.

“o-oh, it’s not what you think- or well kind of? jackson was the only one being a disturbance- shit, that doesn’t sound any better does it? i’ll just let you imagine it yourself.”

after that both boys got quiet and believe it or not, jaebum was the one who was completely flushed this time. youngjae’s head hadn’t been working properly for a while but the knot in his throat had gone away as the older talked about jackson and jinyoung.

the wind sounded as it made it’s way through the branches of the tree that stood tall behind them, almost serving as a reminder that they were completely alone in the middle of this big city.

“so.. your answer?”

youngjae was caught off guard and opened his mouth a few times with a blank look on his face.

“you really mean you want to try dating? like holding hands and stuff?”

“mm.”

youngjae was reminded of when the older had led him back to his room with their hands intertwined. he’d thought that might be the last time but jaebum was trying to tell him the opposite. deep down he knew this could end up in ruin but if it did he could at least say he’d dated the man of his dreams, no matter how long it actually ended up lasting.

“really?”

youngjae couldn’t ask anything more before he was wrapped up in jaebum’s arms, with his head resting on his shoulder.

“yes, really, really, really. i can’t promise anything other than i’ll try my best to make it work.. and if it doesn’t i just want you to know that it’s all on me. i don’t want you to keep being so hard on yourself.”

the last words really hit youngjae. maybe it was true that he was too hard on himself, but he didn’t know any better. this is how he’d been for as long as he could remember. nonetheless he felt the comfort behind the older’s words and tightened his arms around him as well. 

he silently apologized for making jaebum’s jacket wet but he couldn’t help a couple tears escaping his eyes. the brunette was filled to the brim with an indescribable feeling that was totally new but he hoped would become familiar with time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 20k let's get it !!!!  
> read through some older chapters as i wrote this and i didn't realize how angsty it's become my heart literally hurt,, i'm so sorry for hurting my readers like this haha  
> i'm also very happy i managed to develop youngjae going from a questioning boy to accepting his love wholeheartedly even if it's been a big burden for him,,  
> and here's to all my jinson-shippers hope you enjoyed those crackheads  
> i hope nobody minds me self-inserting some of my feelings to jaebum's character (graysexual here lmao) and idk if conversations like these are silly to other people but i think it's very important to talk about feelings when in a relationship and i see a lot of fics that don't do that (at least not to this degree),,,,  
> i got two comments that really pushed me to finish this chapter now, thank you so much for staying patient !! TT  
> likewise, if you have any thoughts to share i'd love to hear them in the comments below !!  
> meanwhile, i need to figure out to continue this kasjgdkjfg wish me luck <33


	16. pretty

“see you tomorrow, then.”

“yeah.”

“and youngjae? 

the brunette bent down slightly to be able to see jaebum- who was still sitting in the back of the orange cab- more clearly. the black haired singer had asked the driver to wave down the window and as youngjae met his dark eyes he could see a clear determination.

“i’ll always be just a call away if you need me, yeah?”

jaebum was looking up at him with a small but sincere smile.

“you never have to think twice.”

youngjae was too stunned after everything that had happened to be able to do anything more than nod gently and wave as the taxi drove away to drop jaebum off at the dorms. instead of making his way inside his apartment right away the otter-faced boy stood still in the middle of the street with rosy cheeks and a fuzzy head. 

every word that had left jaebum’s mouth earlier still felt like lies to him but youngjae also knew the older had been completely serious from his mannerism. so did that really mean they were dating now? that they weren’t just friends?

because youngjae had never seriously imagined his dreams turning into reality he hadn’t thought this far and had absolutely no idea of how to react. the brunette knew he should be happy but right then he was too shocked to really feel anything at all. even though he knew this was pretty much the best thing that could happen to him there was also that underlying fear that something could go wrong and mess up more than just his and jaebum’s friendship.

confused as ever, the singer opened the door to the apartment complex and sighed as he was welcomed into the warmth. as if all the questions about him and jaebum weren’t enough he’d also have to figure out what to do with the information about jinyoung and jackson. sure, the chinese boy had practically always stuck to jinyoung like glue but youngjae never imagined there could be something more between them (probably because he was too busy worrying about his own feelings).

when youngjae finally entered his apartment coco came running towards him, instantly putting a smile to his face. his brother was also home and asked about how his day had been. although the older brother could definitely sense there was more than just practice on the younger’s mind he didn’t ask any questions. it didn’t really seem to be something negative after all.

 

a month passed and it would be a lie to say things hadn’t been slightly awkward between youngjae and his leader. due to a busy schedule they hadn’t really been able to go out or talk too much and even when they were alone nobody addressed the heavy air that seemed to follow them everywhere.

the only exception had been when they went out for a coffee together once, only able to talk about trivial stuff due to the surrounding people, even though both boys felt like they should say something more but ultimately lacked the courage. 

it had really started bugging youngjae by that point because anyone knew this was neither how you dated nor stayed normal friends. he couldn’t come up with a better scenario to fill his body with doubts and anxiety, so he did as jaebum had told him earlier that day they ditched practice and nervously typed in the leader’s number on his phone, waiting as the signal sounded a couple times before he picked up.

“h-hey, jaebum-hyung.”

“youngjae! everything alright?”

“yeah.”

youngjae looked down on the white fur-ball that was excitedly pacing in front of him, calming him down and making him feel like this was no biggie.

“i was just wondering if you’re up to going on a walk with me and coco to like.. talk?”

jaebum could hear the boy on the other line was slightly hesitant which reminded him of his quest to reassure the younger any chance he got. with a soft voice he agreed to youngjae’s request and they met up just fifteen minutes later.

the two boys had decided a meeting point between the two residences, jaebum being a bit quicker in getting there due to not having to look after any four legged friend. he’d been waiting just a couple minutes before he was able to see youngjae nearing and once close enough to see his face clearly he noticed the red tint to the younger’s cheeks, presumably from the cold. with the additional sparkle to his eyes, jaebum noticed (not for the first time the last few weeks) that youngjae was.. pretty? he wasn’t really sure which word actually described him best but for now he’d settled on just that word: “pretty”.

jaebum had actually started noticing so many new things about the younger ever since he started questioning his feelings a while ago. he’d for example never put too much thought into how many moles- other than the iconic one under his eye- that covered youngjae’s whole body. or how the brunette would change up the three earrings hanging from his left ear every now and then. jaebum wondered if there was any hidden reason as to why he sometimes went with all plain ones and other times with ones that really stood out.

honestly speaking, everything about youngjae had jaebum thinking harder recently. he’d always felt that no matter how close they’d been there was still always some kind of distance between them. not necessarily in an awkward way, it’d just kind of been there. 

jaebum really hoped that could somehow change now.

“youngjae!”

lifting an arm to greet the other, jaebum called out.

the younger nodded and jogged the last short distance, making sure to keep his eyes on coco in case she got tired.

hunching down, jaebum gave her a pet and said hi to her as well and then they were once again roaming the streets of seoul together, the both of them being quite used to this by now.

the first few minutes consisted of sharing the thoughts on top of their minds, mostly related to how the following days would look like and how they all should get together for a meal soon.

just like during their practice hours jaebum recognized that small distance between them and wondered what lay behind the small smile on youngjae’s lips. the younger would always look at him with the same expression when he caught jaebum staring, lost in thoughts. 

the leader was well aware that someone needed to take the first step to establish their relationship. he’d seen youngjae’s invitation just now as that and he felt quite sorry for not having been able to figure out how to go about things sooner after his confession. and although youngjae had called him out here it seemed like he needed a bit of encouragement to speak his mind, so that was exactly what jaebum decided to give him.

“can i hold her?”

the black haired singer nodded towards coco and met the eyes of youngjae who’d raised his eyebrows in question, lifting the hand in which he held her leach as to make sure he heard right. jaebum confirmed that had been what he meant by reaching for it, but instead of taking it from the other he caught the youngjae’s hand in his and didn’t let go.

the action almost made youngjae trip as his attention shifted from keeping his steps in check to the hand on his. after letting his eyes rest on their intertwined hands for a moment, though- he looked up at jaebum’s face, and frankly didn’t expect to see a blush too deep to be from the cold on his hyung’s cheeks.

the sight made youngjae’s eyes scrunch up in the corners as he smiled.

with his whole body slowly turning warmer, starting from the tips of his fingers youngjae let out a sigh, really relaxing for the first time since stepping out of his apartment. once again jaebum had made an effort to reassure him.

thanks to him the words effortlessly escaped youngjae and filled the dark hours with things that had always been unspoken before then.

“you know, sometimes i really miss the time we all lived together in the dorms.”

“yeah?”

“mhm, but it was very cramped but i really treasure those memories. guess nora didn’t have to put in much effort to replace me, though.”

jaebum smiled at youngjae, amused by his overdone pout.

“hey, she was the one who lived with us first! plus you’d literally sacrifice all of our cats, plus yourself if it was to save coco, so stop trying to make me look bad.”

with a dumbstruck expression, youngjae hit jaebum by the shoulder and in turn the atmosphere lightened even more.

“i’ll just have to make sure to win you over, then.”

youngjae said it in a half-joking manner but the both of them felt the weight of the words. the brunette still hadn’t found a way to gain confidence relationship-wise and jaebum was well aware of that fact. 

if the beat skipped by his heart due to pressing the other’s hand was any indication that the ropes were beginning to untangle he didn’t know for sure, but he sincerely wished that was the case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had a pretty easy time writing this but i'm kind of worried how to go about the next chapters,,,, (but this is nearing the end)  
> so next update might take a bit longer, additionally i'll be very tired next week and i have to focus more on art so sorry in advance for a delayed update !!  
> but things are seemingly turning out alright ?? let's wish our boys good luck !!  
> thank you so much for all the support once again, i always love seeing your comments and they're really making this all worth it !!  
> happy late coming out day as well to any of my lgbtq+ readers ily and stay safe !!!


	17. okay

slowly, but surely the two boys got closer than they’d ever been before. there was more meaning to each smile and word the both of them gave, yet they couldn’t help but feel as if they were balancing on the thinnest line with each step they took. would anyone find out about them before they had the time to figure out themselves?

glances from youngjae that stayed on his face just a second too long became more obvious to jaebum and he couldn’t help but notice the small signs of restlessness that the younger unknowingly showed, fidgeting with his hands and biting at his lips.

the biggest question that stilled remained with the older was why youngjae hadn’t really made any physical advances on him, at all. was he still just shy? or unsure of their situation? everything had seemed so clear just the other day on those dimly lit streets. 

as he catched his breath for a minute, jaebum decided that being straightforward was the easiest way to go about everything.

“you ever think it’d be nicer for us just to kiss instead of you staring at me like that all the time?”

youngjae (who was totally not staring) opened his mouth, but no sound came out, instead his cheeks turned a shade redder and he put on a peculiar face. jaebum could see his chest heaving as the younger tried to regain a normal tempo of breathing and their songs which they had been practicing to still echoed in his ears.

“no.”

jaebum raised his eyebrows, obviously not impressed and earned a sigh from the brunette.

“but that would just be _me_ kissing you, hyung. not _us_ kissing.”

the older out of the two scoffed and crossed his arms.

“that’s just silly and definitely way too much cheese for me.”

“is it really, considering that confession of yours? y’know about wanting to take things slow?”

letting out a sigh, jaebum scratched the back of his neck, seeing the logic in the younger’s statement.

“guess i shouldn’t have mentioned that after all.”

youngjae turned around to turn off the speakers, deciding they were done with their practice session for that day and then he paced back to sit next to his hyung who was leaning against the mirror wall.

then they were close enough that their shoulders were brushing against each other, but jaebum still couldn’t see youngjae’s face as he was keeping his head low and his hair covered his features.

“honestly, though.. i can’t really do anything knowing you might not want it.”

the atmosphere which had previously been lighthearted suddenly turned much more serious and the obvious reasoning of the younger made the black haired singer’s heart feel a bit tighter in his chest.

“and what if i do?”

“ _mhm?_ ”

youngjae wasn’t convinced, which probably wasn’t too surprising. jaebum was the one who started this out by saying it might not work out after all. if he were to be completely honest the older didn’t know what exactly it was he wanted at that point either. he just knew youngjae was the most important thing right there and then.

“hey.”

the brunette finally looked at him straight in the face, and jaebum wondered if he’d ever get used to the new effect just meeting the other boy’s eyes had been having on him. 

likewise, youngjae’s heart skipped a beat seeing the gentlest expression on jaebum’s face, looking as if he was trying to muster up as much honesty as physically possible.

then they were both leaning closer and youngjae couldn’t stop the butterflies in his stomach and his body from acting before his mind, softly closing his eyes. but still, there was a tiny wall which he couldn’t break by himself.

“is this really alright?”

the boys didn’t even notice as one of the lights flickered, because they were just so close, oh so close that there was nothing else they could see except for eachother and neither of them were sure if the words had actually been said out loud or just muttered against the other’s skin. 

“i’ll decide that after it’s done.”

any fear of somebody walking in on them in the dance studio or concerns about upcoming concerts were washed away as their lips met and both boys let themselves go. youngjae threw himself into a lake full of desires, feeling the cold water prick at his skin but still feeling consoled by the ice. jaebum on the other hand, had jumped from a bridge and into an endless abyss which was full of millions upon millions of possibilities. these were no doubt deep waters.

fighting for their breaths they sunk deeper, clinging to the other as if they were the only thing left to save them from drowning, their own lifeline.

one of jaebum’s hands found youngjae’s waist while the other rested right behind his right ear and the younger desperately clutched at the fabric covering jaebum’s back.

youngjae honestly didn’t know if he was burning or turning to ice but his body felt as if it could burst into flames or crack at any moment, yet letting go was out of the question.

the kiss was something neither of them had ever experienced before, not just deep literally but on so many other levels. by the end of it they’d both ended up on the floor, unable to recognize if they’d already looked this messy due to the intense dancing just a few minutes earlier or if they’d done that to each other.

one thing was for sure though, and that was that their breathing was just as heavy as then and that someone could see from miles away that there had been something more intimate than two group-mates dancing together happening in there.

jaebum felt stunned as he looked at the boy beneath him, barely able to keep his racing heart in check because of the sight. he’d never imagined that a kiss could feel like so much more than just a press of lips and he hadn’t been prepared that brown hair, dark eyes and pink lips could do this to him when he first leaned closer.

and youngjae knew he could never go back. never ever.

he covered his eyes with his palms and groaned in forfeit. his throat felt thick as he spoke and he hated how his lips were begging for more.

“i-i.. ah, shit.”

was the world really going to give him everything he wanted on a silver platter? everything felt too good to be true and it made a bad feeling settle in his stomach and chase the butterflies away.

“really.. i really can’t help but loving you this much, hyung. i’m sorry.”

that really hurt, in a way the older had never felt before. jaebum carefully put his hand on top of one of youngjae’s, not forcing him to move them out of his face.

“i light the fire, and you apologize?”

the black haired boy’s voice was so incredibly soft but youngjae couldn’t miss the slight tone that meant the leader was upset, and he did the best to swallow the knot in his throat.

“i’m afraid i won’t let you do that on my watch.”

unsure if his words reached the younger, jaebum stayed put and drew small circles at the back of youngjae’s hand, waiting for him to move. eventually he did and that was enough to make jaebum’s worries disappear and put a smile on his face.

“come here.”

easily fitting into the arms of the black haired boy, youngjae wished for his heart to calm down for just a minute. perhaps that was a bit too much to ask for considering his love was holding him so carefully and close, in a way that couldn’t possibly mean nothing.

between each small uttering of “it’s okay” or “you’re okay” and “you don’t need to change” jaebum pressed tiny, innocent pecks along his neck and youngjae shivered with each touch.

who could have imagined he’d be sitting there one day, completely forgetting about the existence of protein bars that could replace a meal or sleeping pills at the top shelf of the cabinet in his and his big brother’s bathroom. or about how he’d stay up all night, thinking a few hours of sleep was less significant than a couple more dedicated to practice or about the unsettling anxiety that would sometimes overtake his body for seemingly no reason at all.

jaebum was telling him he was okay.

there really was no other person in this world that youngjae trusted more.

so youngjae was okay.

they were okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm actually very happy with this chapter but i have no idea if it makes up for everything that has happened so far,,, i hope so  
> but yes !! their first kiss ?? finally ???? i might cry TT  
> i honestly think it wouldn't have been impossible to end this story here but i think you all deserve a more satisfactory ending so there's going to be a bit more, look forward to it <3  
> i'd love to hear what you thought of this chapter and thank you so much for reading thus far !!


	18. good enough

things did get better after that. for the first time in as long as he could remember youngjae felt as if he could actually trust himself. his head felt lighter with less voices telling him how to be and what to do, even getting out of bed didn’t take half as much energy as it used to. 

and it was all because jaebum was waiting for him. 

although every day that passed still carried the fear of everything being just a dream, it felt too real to not be true. so he really tried to stop doubting it.

they’d been talking more and more, about everything. or maybe it was just that the brunette never felt like his words had actually meant that much before now. just the fact that he could finally be honest was unbelievable. 

they’d settled on really taking things slow, which had made jaebum go on a rant about how he didn’t want to drag youngjae down or something along those lines. the younger had just answered that he didn’t mind, that the fact they were together was more than enough. which was true, but of course sometimes he wanted to do more than just kiss those lips. do more than just admire the other from afar. after having carried these feelings for so long it’d be a lie to not say he desired more. yet he was also scared of taking that step.

he figured fears was something he couldn’t get over before he confronted them, though.

truthfully, youngjae felt kind of awkward not knowing where to draw the line but the older always sensed that and they made small agreements and promises between themselves.

after a while jaebum had also started to feel content with the decision of trying this out, because even when his feelings had finally blossomed in his last “relationship” her smile hadn’t made his heart beat like his did.

though it was a bit embarrassing to admit, jaebum would get the urge to reach for youngjae’s hand or wrap him in his arms even while they were in public. it made him feel a bit bashful as the leader.

 

“hey, is your brother home?”

“straight to the point i see, hyung!”

the younger’s laugh escaped from jaebum’s phone speaker.

“but no, he isn’t. what’re you thinking?”

“can i come over?”

“sure.”

even after the beep meaning the call had ended sounded, a smile still found it’s way on youngjae’s lips. he couldn’t remember ever feeling so warm before, he must have been a hero in his last life to have earned the luck to call jaebum his.

a familiar knock on the door made youngjae rise from the sofa where he’d been cuddling with coco. some boring documentary had been playing on the tv but he hadn’t cared enough to change the channel so hopefully he didn’t look all too tired when he let the other in.

soon both boys found themselves back on the couch, limbs tangled together and coco on top of jaebum’s back. perhaps it didn’t look like the most comfortable position to be in but their shared warmth had both boys more than satisfied. furthermore, cuddled this close together they could envelop themselves in the sweet scent the other carried. youngjae argued that if they made a perfume reminiscent of jaebum’s fragrance it’d be outsold in a minute on the market (maybe because he’d be the one to buy out the whole stock).

the older spoke against youngjae’s chest, voice muffled against the thin fabric.

“youngjae?”

“mm.”

the black haired singer felt the vibrations caused by the other’s voice and swallowed, he was really going to say it. finally, easing the burden of not knowing that youngjae pretended he didn’t carry.

“i think.. i think i like this. us.”

the younger looked down at the other and met dark eyes, understanding the meaning and stopping himself before he started doubting anything again. instead he flashed a big smile that begged for the older to kiss him, and so jaebum did- oddly aware of how coco was balancing on top of him.

this was wonderful. had youngjae finally been able to find the eye of the storm? if so, it must have been jaebum who’d acted as his compass because without him youngjae didn’t think it would have been possible.

how could it be that everything about jaebum was so sharp- his features and aura-, yet his lips were this soft against his own? that was a mystery youngjae would probably never find the answer to.

the sweet kisses continued until jaebum broke apart, proceeding to nibble at the younger’s ear instead, making him tense up beneath him.

“jae?”

the whisper sent shivers to the top of youngjae’s fingers.

“did you know you’re really pretty?”

finding both of the black haired singer’s shoulders, youngjae pushed him away so he’d be able to look him in the eye. jaebum noticed how red youngjae’s whole face had turned but he didn’t know if he liked the other looking this vulnerable.

“i’m not pretty.”

it wasn’t meant to come out as another whisper, but it did. youngjae couldn’t find his voice to say it louder because somewhere deep down he really wanted to believe that’s what jaebum thought.

the younger almost let out a squeak of surprise when jaebum pinched him in the side.

“so you’re telling me i need go check my eyes then?”

youngjae didn’t know how to argue with the other (especially when his voice was so soft and convincing) so he just ended up reaching for coco to get her off the couch and then settled on top of jaebum to shut him up with more kisses instead.

jaebum almost felt dizzy, like he was drunk on the other and figured this might be the “love” everyone spoke so highly of, including himself from now on if this was really it. he hoped it was. 

youngjae’s lips on his sent tingles through his whole body and he wondered if it was really still too early to take this further. tugging at youngjae’s shirt, he hoped he got the question across. catching the change of expression on the younger’s face though, it became very obvious that was the case.

of course.

they’d mostly talked about jaebum’s own view on the subject but it seemed youngjae still hadn’t gathered confidence to do take the step either.

jaebum knew it had to do with a lack confidence, the look in youngjae’s eyes said it all. after a quick peck on the younger’s lips jaebum smiled gently. it was okay. they could work on it.

“i love you.”

 

the first ones they ended up telling were jinyoung and jackson. considering they were already together they should have the easiest time to accept one additional couple in the group, right?

youngjae and jaebum had called them over to get lunch together during break and hoped the revelation wouldn’t affect how their schedules continued too much. things went well- both were surprised but jinyoung accepted it quickly and helped them shut up jackson before the surrounding people had heard him repeat the whole story.

not long passed before the whole group knew and although that meant a lot more teasing from the maknae line everything just felt more natural than it had done in a long time. sure, some habits were hard for youngjae to let go of and it wasn’t like the otter-faced boy could gain back confidence he’d never had in the first place just like that. it was still a journey and everyone was still counting on him, which of course meant pressure as well.

it had always been like that, and it always would be he finally realized.

as long as he thought he had to shoulder it all by himself it was bound to be hard on him, so jaebum had held his hand and made him realize he didn’t have to deal alone. because he had a whole team on his side. a whole team who loved him dearly and would do anything if it meant he was happy. 

and that he had jaebum. surely, if the older (the most perfect person to ever walk the earth) somehow could like him back there must be some good in him. something good enough to love. so that’s where he took his first step.

youngjae was good enough to be loved.

youngjae was good enough to perform along the others.

and he was good enough to be himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh, where do i start? i began writing this back by the end of april so it's been about 7 months ?? (unless i counted that completely wrong ahlkhgk)  
> back then i was kind of depressed, so i started writing poems and then i figured i could do something more useful that can be shared so i made myself this acc and wrote my first fic,,,  
> plot twist for ya'll but i don't really keep up with got7 anymore TT i think i already had started losing interest when i started writing this but honestly since this is just a story i had no problems finishing anyway !!  
> idk if this ending is too hopeful, or if things got better too fast but this is kind of how i've been feeling recently ?? i think it's because of my new friends so jaebum bringing youngjae up doesn't really seem too farfetched to me haha  
> but enough ranting !! i just want to thank all of you who turned in, even if you didn't come to the end to read this note, i really appreciate each one of you. i'm so happy and proud my first fic turned out to be 25k words and managed to get 3000 hits ??? and that i've recieved so many kudos and comments, all of your support has really made all of this worth it. i'm not sure if i'll write anything similar to this in the future and unfortunately i don't think there'll be any more got7 related fics which i'm really sorry for TT but if you enjoyed this i'd really be overjoyed if you left me one last comment or checked out my other work  
> thank you for staying with me through this journey <3


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